Too much... for ANYone

There is little doubt that part of what makes life difficult to navigate is a lack of focus. On the other hand, I sometimes think of this as "too many interests syndrome," since we live in an age of syndromes.

Earlier today, I was sitting here contemplating a number of ideas and projects I currently have "in the works," and it occurred to me that even if I could focus well the amount of work-- call it "person hours," if you will-- involved in carrying all these out would require a full-time staff of six people... and certainly not the unfocused efforts of one person!

What made me think about this is the way I often feel "overwhelmed" by what is in front of me, and then start browbeating myself for not keeping up with everything. But looking at the situations more objectively made me realize that I have every reason to "not keep up" because it's simply not humanly possible. I'm overwhelmed because there simply is "too much" on my plate.

The purpose of these words is primarily to serve as a reminder that sometimes we tend to "place the blame" in the wrong place. In this case... blaming myself for not being able to do 60 hours' worth of work in a 24-hour period.

Yup. Do the math. It doesn't compute.

ADHD Issues: When "Future Stuff" Gets in the Way

Yesterday I woke up with a great determination to "get a lot of stuff done." I even felt like I was in the right frame of mind-- which seems to directly impact my productivity-- to "get a lot of stuff done."

Fine. Sounds like a really good plan!

I got myself all ready and fired up to have a super productive day... and then I remembered: A 3 o'clock doctor's appointment.

Day completely ruined.

Now, let's keep in mind that I was having this realization at 8:30 in the morning, long before needing to get ready for the appointment. I had five hours of time.

And yet? I found myself feeling capsized and helpless... the "distraction" of knowing that I would need to break my "precious" focus in mid-stream keeping me from even getting started on doing anything productive. On top of that sense of helplessness, there was the attendant layer of frustration at not being able to "cope with life."

I suppose such an "event" would be a small thing for most people. For me, it felt like an entire day was wasted because I "had plans" and had forgotten to include them in planning my day. Truth is, I could have done a lot with 5 hours of work time, but I found myself losing all interest.

This also made me sit and think about how often it is "small things" in my life that keep me from being able to maintain focus. Knowing that "the dog needs to be fed" an hour from now makes it extremely hard for me to focus on the task at hand. I am far better off getting up and feeding the dog now, so it's not a "loose thought" tumbling around inside my head.

And that's part of a bigger issue... the eternal "clearing of space" so that I can get to a point of just focusing on what really matters. Why is it an "issue?" Well, because I tend to use up ALL my time on "clearing space" so I never have any time (or energy) left over to do whatever thing was actually most important.

ADHD, Discernment and Prioritizing

Over the years, I have learned to use a series of "coping tools" in lieu of letting myself get "drugged into oblivion."

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against "better living through pharmaceuticals," but I prefer to limit such things to blood pressure meds and the like.

When I sit inside my personal experience with ADHD (and also draw on experiences and anecdotes others have shared), it has always struck me that there is always so much on our plates; so many things clamoring for our attention.

This morning I reflected on "all the things" I need to get done this week, and it occurred to me that one of the defining characteristics of ADHD-- at least for me and for a lot of people-- seems to be a difficulty practicing discernment. It's not really a case of me having "more things" I need to get done, but a case of me having great difficulty prioritizing those things appropriately. That is, all the things that come up feel "equally important," and then I get stuck while contemplating where to begin.

I get the distinct impression that the majority of the world has just as many things they need to get done as I do, but they have a much better ability to look at something, declare it "not important," and then move on with what matters most. I find it quite difficult to "rank" things. And sometimes I rank them "poorly," assigning excess importance to "busy work" that will make it easier for me to deal with the most important things. Which, in turn, leaves those "most important things" UN-done, often causing me all manners of headaches.

Even as I make my way through the day, using my system of "task notes," I find it a struggle to decide which things are most important... and I often end up in a pattern of "cleaning my desk so I can do my work" when I really should just launch directly into "doing my work."

It's all a learning process... but sometimes it feels like I am moving desperately slowly.

ADHD "Management" in Action

This morning, I decided I was going to make breakfast. Specifically, I chose to make a large batch of breakfast crepes. If you're not familiar with making these, the important gist (or "salient point") of this story is that mixing ingredients for the batter is pretty quick and simple... and then you are "stuck there," flipping crepes, for about an hour.

Of course, when you have ADHD of any kind, your mind tends to be going a million miles an hour, while traveling all over creation. Even though my "form" of ADHD is the "inattentive" variant... I'm no exception. Flipping crepes for an hour feels like a "trap," yet I have little choice but to "stay there," if I actually want the food. The upside is that minding a skillet on the stove might require some concentration, but is otherwise a pretty mindless sort of thing.

The long and the short of it is that my hour turned into a creative writing exercise, using one of my "tools" that has become an effective part of my ADHD management skills.

In addition to having my pan and my plates and my spatula... I also grabbed a stack of small sheets of notepaper and a pen... and started cooking.

By the time the crepes were finished, I had also outlined-- in pen, on individual sheets of paper-- 11 different articles and blog posts, the last one of which was a sketchy note to myself to put this blog post here, as an illustration of how to "use" the condition to our advantage, rather than trying to "fight" it.

I know-- from many years of experience-- that I can't hope to focus on a mindless task for more than a few minutes. I have found that if I "expand" such a task by adding a very specific "secondary goal" to work on, I can actually become very productive. As such, I have trained myself to cash in on some of me best "thinking time" while being engaged in "non-thinking" tasks-- like mowing the lawn, certain kinds of cooking. I also know from experience that if I don't have such a "specified secondary task" my mind will roam in a totally unstructured fashion, and I will get nothing done. In the case of this morning's crepe cookery, I would probably have burned a few of them because I would have flitted off to some other, unrelated, task... and lost track of time. However, I knew that being able to write on bits of paper right next to my "primary objective" would allow me to stay on task. I also knew that "jotting an idea" would be short enough to keep me from burning food.

So not only did I come away with something yummy to eat, I came away a "quieter mind" because I'd actually "emptied" my head while I was cooking... at least temporarily. And so, I could enjoy a peaceful breakfast... without obsessively "trying to remember all those ideas I had while cooking." Which is pretty much how much of my life used to be, even just 10 years ago.

"Systems" are good, BUT...

Over the past few years, I have created myself a bunch of "systems" that seem to help me focus more and basically live as a somewhat "functioning human being."

That's of course a "good thing," on the greater scale of things, and I recognize that I have put so much effort into it because I really do not want to become "one of those people" who ends up living their lives functionally only as a result of taking a giant handful of medications and supplements every day. It's bad enough that I've had to accept that I will probably be taking blood pressure meds, for the remainder of my days. I am not sure why-- although my mother being a functional alcoholic might be partially to blame-- but I have always viewed the need for "chemical help" with considerable suspicion and loathing.

Part of that suspicion is also related to my general belief that our society tends to excessively "medicalize" perfectly normal parts of the spectrum of human experience.

"Oooh! He FELT something! Give him a pill..."

I really hate that crap. It's a cop-out, in my opinion. Now, I'm not suggesting that there aren't people who genuinely need medication to function, but I am saying that we tend to just "throw medicine at problems" rather than trying to actually discover and isolate their root causes... and then promote actual healing, rather than ongoing "treatment."

But I'm digressing. Because that's what I do, as a person with ADHD.

The point here was that I have created myself a bunch of "operating systems" (lists, timers, etc.) by which I stay some semblance of functional. However... as effective as those may be in keeping me on an even keel, I sometimes find myself wondering if the 30-45 minutes I now spend every morning "setting up for the day" are really worth it. Has the "system" I've created become more of an encumbrance (and a time-waster) than a help?

Ultimately, I don't think so. I feel helped by my increasingly spotless home office and my system of notes and schedules, and that bears out... in terms of what I can look at and say "I actually accomplished that" at the end of the day. However, it's important that I remain mindful of my tendency to eternally "fine tune" and create "subsystems of subsystems" when all that's really needed is an overall framework.

Mindfulness is essential, when you live with ADHD... because there are "tempting distractions" around every corner; even those "corners" actively designed to help.

ADHD Musings: The Thing About Deadlines

One of the things I have long realized about myself is that I work best "to deadlines."

To explain that a bit further, what I am really saying here is that if there is not a "looming deadline," odds are that I will not get anything done, at all.

Take this week, for example. I know that I wanted to get a large number of new auctions listed on eBay by this coming Sunday, as part of giving my rare stamp business a boost. Now, creating 150-odd listings on eBay is pretty time consuming... especially with merchandise like rare old postage stamps: They have to be "selected," then "scanned," then the images have to be "formatted and color corrected," then the description for each has to be individually written and uploaded to the staging area. All in all, it's a LOT of work.

So I say to myself-- probably two weeks ahead of the "launch date"-- that if I just get a little bit done every day, then the whole thing won't creep up on me and be a giant stressful mess at the very end. Because "giant stressful mess at the the very end" is how I tend to work.

And so, here we are, on Friday, with three days remaining before I had planned to get these sales made public. And where am I?

Even though I know that getting this done is essential... and that being able to pay our bills this month depends on these sales... I really have not been able to motivate myself to do much work on getting the auctions ready. Sure, I have sat down to "get started" a number of times, and I have "dabbled a little," but in about 75% of my available work time, I have managed to get about (maybe!) 10% of the overall workload taken care of.

This has been a pervasive pattern in all aspects of my life, since being a teenager who never could "get around to" homework until an hour before it was due. Of course, I have always been able to "excuse myself" by stating (quite truthfully, I might add) that "I am brilliant under pressure," and I always DO tend to get these things done. But not without a horrible last-minute "death march" to get there. And 90% of the time? The results are usually stellar... better than most people's, even if they worked tirelessly on the same thing for three weeks.

Maybe this doesn't have anything to do with being ADHD, at all. Maybe it's about "work styles." That is not really clear to me. "Distraction" definitely plays into the mix... distractions seem so much more appealing, when there is plenty of time. Unless I feel the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head, I am not given to "doing what must be done." Character flaw? Work habits? Inherent laziness? Aspects of ADHD?

And it's not that I am not aware of the "passing of time." In fact, I regularly "count down" how much time I have left, to do the remaining work... I know exactly how many days and hours remain. But unless there is "severe pressure to perform" being brought to bear, I don't feel inclined to move.

This is not a good thing... as I have recently been diagnosed with severe hypertension, and I am becoming more aware of things I do that are constitute underlying stress patterns. These "last minute rushes" to do the essential things of life are extremely stressful.

Somehow, I need to overcome my habits... and reduce stress. So here I am, writing a blog post instead of working on my eBay stuff. Because I still have "plenty of time."

Ironic, no?

Understanding My Own Processes

A friend (who's also a counselor and therapist) recently asked me how I "deal with" ADHD, especially given that I am not using meds or "seeing anyone" about it.

It made me sit down and clarify my "process," and I concluded that I have really been "experimenting" with my life, for some time, now. There are essentially two parts to this "gig" for me... and I recognize that they are probably "peculiar" to someone whose issue is the "primarily inattentive" variant.

One, I have learned to become very mindful of the fine line between what is simply "being an HSP" and "my Myers-Briggs/personality preferences" and what is "a condition." We must know-- and acknowledge-- where we simply are "wired that way" and where we have a "condition" we can actually do something about. But you already know that part, I'm sure.

Two, the most helpful thing I have learned is to live through a process of allowing and working with the ADHD, rather than trying to "combat" or "fight" it. Again, a mindfulness practice is essential to me... that is, being aware of the moments when I start "drifting."

It might be something like "Uh-oh, I'm writing this article and I just had an idea for another article...." So instead of metaphorically "slapping myself" and saying "FOCUS!" I "allow" a one-minute sidetrack to sketch out a few quick notes of the new idea, and then I resume writing the "main thing" I was previously working on.

I manage to at least give the appearance of focusing pretty well by (A) being a ferocious note taker when my mind wanders and (B) having a dozen-odd manila folders by my desk, roughly organized by topic/concept... into which my "loose side notes" get filed immediately.

As I have written previously on these pages, the notes serve the purpose of "pulling the idea out of circulation" (inside my head) so-- in a sense-- I can go back to thinking about the main thing on my mind. In a sense taking notes means I can tell myself that I have "acted on" the sidetack, and committed it to a form of "permanent storage" so I don't have to have swirling thoughts about it in "active memory."

It's basically a technique of functionally "taking away" from the swirling cloud inside my head-- a constant (and quite active) process of simplify, simplify, simplify. Somehow, it is easier for me to deal with the physical mess of all the paper scraps, than the mental mess of trying to track too many ideas in my head. From a purely functional perspective, it also means that I get a lot more done.

Now... I'll bring back up that this process works for me; in general the notions of time, structure and organization flow pretty "naturally" for me. This may not work as well for different personality types.

I have also found that "breaking state" (like going to a different part of the house to do certain tasks) can be quite effective, too. If I can remove myself (physically) from my venues of "easiest distraction" withOUT also removing myself from my creative "power spots" (not always possible) that can really help.