ADHD: Such a "Fluid" Condition

When I started exploring this weird condition with which we are afflicted — some 13 years ago — I never really realized what a very fluid situation I was dealing with.

Sure, when I was a little kid ADHD was barely a thing and was generally reserved for what you might consider disruptive boys who were eternally fidgety and unruly in class.

That was 50 years ago!

I never really fit the mold because I was more what has subsequently come to be described as the inattentive variant of ADHD. That was not part of the original diagnosis so I slipped through the cracks.

Subsequently I have looked at all the sorts of different things ranging from depression to a more modern interpretation and take on what ADHD really is and how it affects our brains.

All these years later I also realize that I was never dealing just with ADHD inattentive, but also with the touch of being on the autism spectrum, along with Cognitive Disengagement Syndrome (CDS) to some degree.

Which goes to show that much as we love our labels, because it allows us to put an easy definition to usually complex topics, there are seldom such things as one thing fits all.

Above all, the definitions tend to be extremely fluid because new information is constantly being added to the mix.

Forging a Path Forward

As I often say around here, whenever I go into a state of feeling fully overwhelmed the best path forward is basically to "close some tabs," starting with the easiest tabs to close.

The easiest tabs to close are typically the ones that were opened as sidetracks most recently and then abandoned because I had to step away to deal with something else.

It is interesting how taking just one thing off my collective plates enables me to more adequately take on something else and move forward from there, even if there are dozens of plates in total.

23 plates sometimes feels incredibly different from 24 plates. It's an "energy thing."

It leads me to believe that we all live with a sort of "critical mass point," being the point at which things go between being manageable — even if it's a struggle — and feeling like they're completely out of control.

I'm not sure what part of it is attributable to the executive dysfunction associated with ADHD and what part of it is associated with my autistic side but I think coming up with definitions is less important than coming up with tools that can actually solve the problem at hand.

Falling Through the Cracks

It really took me till I was this many years old (64) to fully understand how I fell through the cracks as a kid and for most of my adult life.

I was quiet when I was a kid and I was not at all boisterous nor “that kid who bounced around class, causing a disruption.” Because I was pretty smart, I could mostly figure out what was going on even if I hadn't been paying attention. And my not paying attention invariably took the form of daydreaming, “going within” and looking out of the window. Most of the time, it wasn’t visible.

The only thing anybody would look at and remark on was the fact that I seemed unusually withdrawn and quiet, and that I seemed very slow to learn things.

Those attributes followed me through most of my adult life and definitely did make it harder for me to hold jobs, often because I couldn’t adapt to new situations fast enough. As a result of this I (rationally) concluded that I should probably find some form of self-employed gig to make my way through life, preferably one that didn’t really involve people… very much.

The situation was likely exacerbated by the fact that I was not at all competitive, and generally very compliant and not someone to challenge authorities. It just wasn't in my nature.

And so, I largely fell through the cracks until the whole field of ADHD studies and understanding became a lot more expansive as I aged, and the definition changed considerably.

Even so, I had managed to create a life situation that allowed me to get by (note: not thrive, just get by) and the rest of the time I was masking pretty effectively.

I don't know how my life would have been different if different at all if we had had the knowledge in the 1970s that we have in 2025. However, I feel pretty sure some things would have been easier to navigate even if only for the reason of knowing what was going on with me rather than feeling like a freak.

I think about that, rather too often...

I Have Fifteen Blogs...

Simply the title of this post should say it all.

Actually, I have more than 15 blogs, but we're not going to count the ones I have declared "dormant." We're also not counting the ones I remember, but I seem unable to locate. Maybe the hosting venues died...?

We're also not counting the ones I am keeping up with (to the best of my ability) as part of my delving into decentralization and cryptocurrency. Those are actually my most active. But that's for a whole separate post, on a different day!

Maybe that all sounds crazy, but all of these blogs are somehow relevant, either to one of my businesses, or one of my hobbies or something else of importance to me.

Why start a blog, you might ask? Why NOT, I might respond...

The reason this popped up on my radar was that this morning I decided that it was time for me to formally map all my web profiles, as part of a greater attempt at "getting organized" and acting more like a Responsible Adult™. 

What we're really looking at here is a form of hyperfocus. When I decide that something is interesting, I don't get into it in a half-assed way. It gets a blog, a web site, a twitter, a Facebook page, and God knows what else. I have this feeling that "normal" people just join a Facebook group that sounds interesting, and then pretty much forget that they even joined. 

Or maybe they don't forget, because they only join one thing at a time.

Regardless of what "they" do, as I was filling in the blanks about my blogs in my newly created spreadsheet, I felt one of my old demons still lurking. By the time I got to recording the basic information of about the 8th blog... I would feel my brain starting to resist. I felt myself wanting to "stop, and do the rest later."

Which is pretty much why I ended up with 15 blogs!

Blogging is good for me, though. A blog post represents pretty much the amount of time I can concentrate on a piece of writing before I start to lose interest and my mind wanders off-focus.

And yes, I did actually force myself to finish recording the basic info for all fifteen blogs!

Islands of Reliability

I have always found change to be difficult.

For many people, it seems to be "exciting," or "challenging," or "rewarding" or something along those lines... but for me, it has never felt anything but disruptive and turbulent.

I should point out that "disruptive and turbulent" stand aside from such ideas as necessary and/or desirable.

Over the years, I have become increasingly aware that I depend on my "Islands of Reliability" — that is, being able to count on many things in my life to always remain the same — as cornerstones of being somewhat functional. 

Of course, I'm also open to the possibility that this tendency has more to do with being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) than it has to do with ADHD. There are certain ways in which this particular neurological trait doesn't "play well" with ADHD.

Explained a little differently, a tendency to flit around and look at many different things directly UPSETS the sensitive part of me that would rather have everything be the same, all the time. 

But getting back to the main event, here... 

For example, I really like to know that in the morning, I will get up and

Get the coffee going

Give the cat his morning snack.

Give the dog her morning snack.

Feed the fish.

Clean the cat box.

Unlock the front door.

Put away the clean dishes from last night.

Pour my first cup of coffee.

Turn on the lights in my office.

Take the dog out.

Empty the tray in the dehumidifyer.

Sit down and check my email.

In that order... and I often feel greatly thrown off for the entire day if somehow I am expected to have a different morning routine.

That's just a small example... I like to be able to rely on these things, as part of maintaining my sanity!

I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I needed to put it in writing. Maybe it doesn't actually mean anything, and this is just a "bookmark" I will return to, as part of a later insight.

Overwhelmed by Post-it Notes!

Sometimes, I swear I would forget my own head somewhere if I didn't keep lists and post-it notes all around me to remind myself where things are and what I was trying to do with them!

That may sound like a really good thing, but it doesn't always help as much as I'd like it to.

The thing is, sometimes I end up with so many post-it notes telling me so many different things that I'm overwhelmed simply by looking at the post-it notes, and what good does that do?

After all, the purpose of the notes was to keep me moving, and instead they are now immobilizing me!

Not so long ago, a friend pointed out that I seem to be a lot better at planning things and at actually doing them, and — while hanging my head slightly in shame — I had to admit that that was true.

On the whole I am not fond of doing, but I'm very good at planning.

I don't really enjoy doing, and for me the best part of doing is — 99% of the time — the feeling of having done; having completed.

To be honest, I'm not sure if that has anything to do with ADHD directly, or just with my particular personality.

But it's one of the many things I end up noodling in my head.

Fix the Brain or Fix the Environment?

During my usual morning "creative convolutions" (actually, while preparing breakfast), I got to thinking a bit more about how we-- as humans; as a society-- deal with those who don't fit the prescribed norm of... normal.

I should preface this by saying that I have never made any secret of the fact that I have a fairly strong dislike for pharmeceutical interventions in people's lives except when it is completely evident and clear that they are inhibited from enjoying a decent quality of life. Even then, I believe pharmaceuticals are best used to create a "bridge of sanity" we can temporarily use while we establish a new way of life that allows us to become function without meds.

Why do I feel this way?

Well, there's a long list... so I'll just stick to a couple of main points.

Here is the west, we tend to "treat" conditions rather than heal people. That is, we throw medication at symptoms to get rid of them, and then pretend that people are "well" because they are now "functional" and yet? Nothing has actually been done to assess and address the underlying causes responsible for the issue.

My biggest issue, however, is that most pharmaceuticals and other courses of treatment are are centered around a rather mechanistic paradigm of "adjusting people to suit their environment," rather than adjusting the environment to suit people.

Think about it, for a moment:

When we decide to medicate Bob, what are we really doing? It's a pretty good bet that the underlying idea is "How can be make Bob 'normal' so he can fit into society?"

Similarly, when we medicate kids with ADHD, what we are (in many-- or most-- cases) really doing is trying to "normalize" them so they will fit into a school system where they get to learn to take "standardized" tests that serve little more purpose than to churn out a bunch of trained monkeys incapable of engaging in independent critical thought. From where I am sitting... there's a disturbing element of disrespect for individuality and differences inherent within such an approach.

Naturally, there's a whole flock of doctors, psychologists and ADHD "experts" ready to crucify me for holding such beliefs... and they will viciously defend themselves.

To be honest, I can't blame doctors as they are the product of a medical and psychological establishment that teaches that "medical success" walks hand in hand with healthy patients being compliant with the defined "norms" of the moment.

It all makes me think of that rather famous quote by thinker and author Jiddu Krishnamurti:

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Isn't that what we are promoting, here? Or at least some variation thereof?

Again, don't get me wrong-- I believe medications have their place, and they can be part of the solution. But they are not THE solution. And unless I am out there endangering myself or pulling the ears off baby bunnies, am I not better off creating an environment that suits me, rather than trying to shoehorn myself into a box labeled "normal," in order to fit the environment?