ADHD and Randomness in my Brain

I don't remember where or when it was that I read a blog post by someone who coined the phrase "Too Many Interests Syndrome." All I remember is that I read those words and immediately related to them.

Seems like I have always had "too many interests," but none (or very, very few) of those interests have actually been interesting enough to hold my attention for any period of time. As such, I have struggled immensely to develop any level of "expertise" at anything.

This morning I was-- as I often am-- thinking about "things to write about" while I was cooking breakfast. It's that thing I have mentioned before, that I call "Bacon Creativity."

Anyway, as I was jotting down several quite interesting and insightful ideas for articles, I got to thinking about the small ocean of loose scraps of paper floating around on my desk... all of them with various "ideas for articles" and "ideas for blog posts" and even "ideas for web sites." Most of the time, they just "sit there," and never get developed into anything.

On one hand, it makes me feel a little bit sad because there actually some very worthy ideas there. On the other hand, I feel a certain sense of peace at knowing that I did take the time to develop these ideas far enough to put them on scraps of paper... and by the mere fact that they have been written down, I gain the "therapeutic benefit" of no longer needing to store them inside my head. Because that's what happens to me, with ideas: If I don't take some kind of "action" on them, they stay inside my head, dancing around and taking up valuable space in parts of my brain I really need to use to deal with the daily business of Earning A Living™.

Somewhere in the middle of my flurry of committing ideas to scraps of paper-- while simultaneously making sure that the bacon didn't burn-- I got to think about my college daze.

In a sense, college was no different from my life now.

My ADHD was just as evident back then (early 1980s), even though I had no idea what "ADHD" was. nor that I was having any kind of "problem."

I mean, after all, I got a degree, right? And I even graduated with a 3.8 GPA. You can't "do that," if your brain is malfunctioning, right? Right?

Of course, the "dirty little secret" underlying that very fine college degree from a major university is that (a) it took me five years to graduate and I had 180+ credit hours at a school where most undergraduate degrees required 120-128 credit hours... and (b) I didn't actually decide on a final major until the beginning of the semester in which I graduated.

Yes, I just said that...

After 4 1/2 years of taking an assortment of classes that (mostly) seemed "interesting" I went to see a Degree Advisor and we plugged my completed courses into probably 50 different degree programs to eventually determine that I was closest to a degree in Finance with a minor in English... and if I took three more course, I could graduate.

So I did.

Maybe more people go through college that way than I give them credit for... but it always feel like the Degree Advisor regarded me with a mixture of amusement and the sort of fear/disdain typically reserved for lepers.

Looking back a bit further... when I was a kid, I was no good at the whole "What do you want to do when you grow up?" game. I had no idea-- there were so MANY things. 18 years later-- armed with my freshly baked college degree-- I had no more idea of "what I wanted to do when I grow up" than when I was seven.

The only things I could come up with was "something enjoyable and meaningful."

Which is about as specific as saying someone is "nice" and that you like to "have fun" in your spare time.

Now-- at 55-- I am not really any closer to having become "specific." Most of my life has actually been very UN-specific.

What I have learned in the course of those years is the the more I have placed myself in positions of "doing what society thinks people should do" the more UN-happy I have been, and the more I have "walked my own very random path" the happier I have been.

But unfortunately, there has been a rub; a conundrum: The more I have followed my own path, the poorer I have been; the more I have followed society's path, the wealthier I have been.

Which suggests to me that there must be something terribly wrong with the way we "measure people" and their successes and accomplishments... what does it truly say about our world if "doing what you love" means you get to live on food stamps and doing something you don't like earns you a McMansion and a new Mercedes? Don't we have it completely backwards?

I realize that the whole "Capitalism vs. Contentment" discussion is far beyond the scope of this article... I am mostly interested in exploring the role ADHD has played (if any?) in my pursuit of a "random" life... and the potential "price tag" associated therewith. Is ADHD even "a thing?" I am also exploring the interconnectedness of being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) with ADHD... how the HSPs tendency to process and experience deeply may be part of what leads me to eternally study and analyze myself and how I operate in the world.

What do YOU think? Leave me a comment!

Being a Highly Sensitive Person, ADHD and Managing Overwhelm

This morning-- as has happened untold hundreds of times in my life-- I spent about an hour going through the process of "cleaning my desk so I can do my work." It is something I usually feel compelled to do whenever I have an exceptionally large volume of work I feel like I "need to get done," and I have reached a point of feeling so overwhelmed that I become immobilized by the prospect of even figuring out "where to start."

Even writing these words became part of my "cloud of overwhelm," even though I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to convey, when I walked into my office. But it was not as simple as that, because once I'd organized my desk and was ready to write, I ended up feeling like I had to "sub-organize" the section of my desk where I keep my folders with scraps of paper on which I have jotted down "writing ideas." After all, there might be some "HSP-with-ADHD" type ideas in there that I might be able to use.

It briefly reminded me of a remark HSP therapist and expert Ane Axford once made about being an HSP: "Even my to-do list has to-do lists!"

But wait! There's more! While I was organizing dozens of little slips of paper and interpreting my scribbles from the past 60-days or so, my nose started itching. So I needed to find out what that was about. As it turned out, a "wild" hair from my mustache was poking the bottom edge of one nostril. So I trimmed it off. But then I noticed that my beard was starting to look a little too shaggy, and since I was "there" with sharp scissors, I might as well give myself a trim... because "it needed to be done," right?

At 8:38, I arrived at my desk with a cup of coffee and a clear idea for what I wanted to write, today. At 9:52, I am actually typing these words. One hour and fourteen minutes more or less "up in smoke." Ironically, my present life just "effectively" reflected the root "idea" of what I wanted to write about.

I am a Highly Sensitive Person (or HSP, for short) with ADHD.

After some 17 years of "studying the problem," I have become well aware that "being an HSP" and "living with ADHD" are two very different things.

Sure, the two "interact" and "talk to each other" but their relationship is non-causal. That is, being an HSP is not the cause of my ADHD, and living with ADHD did not "make me" an HSP. It's important to keep that very clearly in mind. At the same time, it is also important to understand how the two interact.

As a point of disclosure-- because some people may be reading this blog for the first time-- I will also point out that my "issue" is the "inattentive" form of ADHD. Thus, I can't experientially speak exactly to how HSPs with the more common (or "traditional") "hyperactive-impulsive" variant of ADHD experience life... although I am well familiar with many aspects of it as my wife is an HSP with hyperactive-impulsive ADHD.

OK, so that gets all the technical and disclosure stuff out of the way.

So how does the HSP experience of ADHD differ from the rest of the world's? My experience suggests that we are more likely to experience the effects of "all this stuff we get involved in" as overstimulating, in addition to simply feeling a crazy pinball machine of "stuff."

The HSP part of the equation "speaks" in the sense that it amplifies my experience of my own scatteredness. One of the core precepts of being Highly Sensitive is experiencing life more intensely... and those HSPs afflicted with ADHD consequently experience the effects of the condition more intensely.

I have long struggled to describe how that feels. Most HSPs-- when they struggle to manage overstimulation-- tend to be dealing with "externals:" loud people, bright lights, too many demands, environmental noise. For me, sometimes quite often the source of my overstimulation comes from my own "inner processes," rather than external stimuli. This morning, I found myself being overstimulated by my own thoughts, rather than by what I actually ("functionally") need to get done today (which is relatively manageable).

On a more practical level, HSPs often benefit from striving for relative simplicity in their lives as a way to keep their stimulation levels optimal... when you live with ADHD, one of the typical effects is the ability to "complexify" everything. "Watering the garden," isn't just about turning on the hose, but becomes an odyssey of 47 distractions and "things that ALSO need to be done." In a sense, the ADHD provides a constant stream of "stimulants" that are all but impossible to turn off.

Even as I write this article, I have experienced that "effect." What was intended to be a brief 300-word commentary about being an HSP and getting overstimulated by ADHD-generated thoughts has turned into a full-blown 1500-word article because "I might as well" add this-and-that, and add hither-and-yon to provide a more useful learning experience for readers.

So what can an HSP with ADHD effectively do to manage the swirling thoughts that lead to "self-generated overstimulation?"

On the whole, the only thing I have found even mildly effective is organization. Specifically, I have learned to "live by" a system of "writing myself notes" about everything I need to do, and every thought that's worthy of later exploration.

How does that "work?" When I sit in a cloud of overwhelming swirling thoughts, it helps me to "catch" a thought and put it briefly on paper-- just 10-15 words. It means I can "remove" it from the swirling cloud. Then I do that... maybe 20-30 times, maybe more. All of a sudden... this abstract cloud of ideas and thoughts have become... a gentle breeze. The thoughts are no longer "bouncing around" inside my head... they have been "transferred" to a neat little pile of notes on my desk... and my head is (more or less) clear to focus on what I really need to do. Any thoughts of "OMG! I lost a valuable idea!" are non-existent, because I recorded all those thoughts. They are NOT lost! They are right here.

As a metaphor, think of it as using your computer and "bookmarking" the 47 interesting web sites you found for "later" rather than trying to keep 47 tabs/windows open, all at once. Your swirling thoughts are "the Internet." You can't keep it all open, all the time... and expect to not cave in under the load.

Last but not least, rather than being an elaborate form of procrastination, the "cleaning my desk" process serves a practical function... it "simplifies" the cloud of swirling thoughts inside my head, and reduces it to neat stacks of papers I can actually visualize, and then deal with in a systematic manner. I may just have "given up" an hour and fourteen minutes... but that effectively will "save me" from having a day on which I actually "lose" six hours of work time to feeling overwhelmed and spinning out of control while being utterly non-productive. Continuing the Internet bookmarking metaphor, think of it as sorting your bookmarks and deleting some it turned out weren't that interesting... or you actually no longer actually need.

There's no doubt that being a Highly Sensitive Person and living with ADHD presents unique challenges... aside from using "tools and tricks" to cope, the best thing you can do for yourself is learn as much as you can, and become familiar with how the two interact... in your life.

Thanks for reading!

Being a Highly Sensitive Person with ADHD

I am a Highly Sensitive Person (or HSP).

And I am an HSP with ADHD.

Lots of HSPs are afflicted with ADHD, but for several years now I have been pondering the overlaps and connections. Being an HSP is not a "diagnosis," it simply means you have an inborn genetic trait; your body is "hard wired" a certain way. You feel more; you feel more intensely.

The "intersect," as I experience it (and other HSPs have shared very similar experiences with me) is that because being highly sensitive makes me "feel things deeply," I experience the effects of ADHD more "intensely." And sometimes those experiences feel "amplified" to a rather debilitating extent.

It is really important to understand that being an HSP and having ADHD are two distinct situations. One does not CAUSE the other, and one does not IMPLY the other. To the degree there are correlations between the two, they are typically "non-causal."

Stated differently, I am having "the same ADHD experience" as everyone else, but because I am an HSP, how that feels is more intense than most people's feelings.

One of the places I have struggled most is to manage the "limited bandwidth/energy" I often have because I am highly sensitive alongside the general distractability that goes with ADHD. The end result is this "state" in which I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated (the "HSP part") by the fact that my inability to focus (the ADHD part) is keeping me from being able to efficiently navigate daily life.

In a practical sense, it has manifested as periods during which I feel totally immobilized... not by my actual work and chores, but by knowing how much effort it will take simply to stay focused.

It's hard to explain-- and perhaps it doesn't really make sense unless you're also an HSP, yourself. I will of course add in here that my "issue" is the Inattentive form of ADHD (wikipedia), which is quite different from the well-known "Hyperactivity" form most people are familiar with.

I am still trying to make sense of the "intersect" of the two. Here's a metaphor that helps me a little:

I think of myself as a piece of machinery. I have a fuel tank containing a certain amount of fuel. As people, we all have "fuel tanks" of certain sizes. As a Highly Sensitive Person, I burn the available fuel faster than most people. As a result, when I am faced with the consequences of my ADHD, I have less fuel available to "fix things" and simply "keep plugging along," till whatever I needed to do is done. This leads to a "secondary feedback loop" in which I feel overwhelmed because it feels like no matter what, I won't have the fuel reserves to complete what I need to deal with.

Many years ago, I used to think of it as "Bailing out the Titanic with a tea cup." No matter what, the ship would "sink." My efforts were only sufficient to slow down the inevitable sinking.

Hence, a period of years during which I have been trying to "simplify" my life, so the "available fuel" will be sufficient to deal with the "stuff of life"... because there's no "increasing the size of the fuel tank." The answer, continuing with the ship metaphor, isn't to become better at bailing, but to make sure I'm on a smaller ship.

If you are an HSP with ADHD, "simplifying life" may be one of your single best coping tools-- and I also mention that because many HSPs are loath to resort to medications, because of the stronger impact of side effects.

ADHD vs. ADD: A Matter of Semantics?

For as long as I have been aware that the "situation" applied to me, I have been using the acronym "ADD" to describe myself, because the "hyperactivity" part of ADHD has never applied to me.

I never paid that much attention (no pun intended), figuring that the whole "ADD vs. ADHD" debate was mostly an issue of semantics. Which, as it turns out, is not really true... my using "ADD" is actually outdated.

My "condition" is correctly characterized as "ADHD-- Inattentive Type," so I suppose I should start to use that term, to avoid ambiguity. The term actually annoys me a little bit because I always feel compelled to add "but the 'H' part does not apply to me."

Which, in turn, makes me think about how we often end up with major differences between the "clinical definition" of something, and the "public interpretation" of the same thing. When you tell someone you're afflicted with ADHD, they've already jumped to the conclusion that you were "that unruly kid bouncing around the back of the classroom."

I already know about this situation because I am also an "HSP" or "Highly Sensitive Person" (Dr. Elaine N. Aron, 1996). Whereas this refers to sensory-processing sensitivity and a heightened awareness of sensory inputs, most people "assume" that sensitivity means you get your feelings hurt really easily... which is completely wrong. And so, telling anyone you're an HSP inevitably includes a long ramble to explain what the acronym really means.

Interestingly enough, there are a number of similarities between how being an HSP and an how ADHD-Inattentive manifest. I should probably write about that, some day.

Anyway... I guess I should start using the "correct" terminology, around here.