Vignettes of Life Inside an ADHD Brain

So here I sit, getting ready to write something; nay, determined to write something.

What I sat down here to write... is actually about my experience of standing in the kitchen earlier, cooking breakfast. And while cooking, my brain slid into its typical "creative overdrive" and I actually "wrote" (inside my head) six full articles in the time it took to fry up some sausage for breakfast.

You see, I can never actually just sit down and write. I do all my best writing and brainstorming, while engaged in something other than writing and brainstorming.

I think scientists actually have a name for that. Non-parallel thinking? Divergent thinking?

I dunno, I have always called it "Bacon Creativity."

So here I sit, getting ready to write something... and now I notice a hair from my beard is irritating the corner of my right nostril... which reminds me that I should go trim my beard which is getting a bit shaggy.

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So I abandon the writing and go off and trim my beard because... personal grooming, and shit.

But that's not the point. The reason I do it now is because I am well aware that if I stay in front of the computer long enough to write this, by the time I am done I will have forgotten all about the shaggy beard... and I will not remember again till I catch a glimpse of my reflection somewhere/sometime when I will have neither scissors nor mirror handy.

It's how my brain works. Maybe it looks chaotic, but I like to think I am working with this "thing," rather than against it.

But to get back to the start....

.... I stood in the kitchen, feverishly taking notes on small pieces of paper... writing down and outlining ideas for articles and blog posts. Even though that may sound like a distraction, dangerous or even nonsense-- it is actually a way of  making the most of my time... the ideas would be lost forever, if I didn't take time to write them down... as they happen.

That said... even as I stood there, writing down all these thoughts and feeling pretty good because they would not be lost (as they would have been in the "old days," before I gained a thorough understanding of my cognitive processes)... there was also an underlying sadness... a sadness at the knowing that even though I managed to "capture" these fleeting creative ideas, odds are the pieces of paper would never get further than to join their 100's of compadres living in a box on my desk.

And there's the rub. Sure, I have created a "system" that helps me not lose good writing (and other creative) ideas, but I almost never actually seem to have the time to sit down for a few contiguous hours to turn any one idea into an actual article.

To be honest, the fact that today is the 13th of January and I have actually managed to write and publish two complete articles during this young calendar year is a small miracle.

I have enough material to publish 500 articles in 2016.

If I didn't have to worry about "making a living," I'd probably write them. At least I like to tell myself that. Alas, I only get paid a few cents for writing... so it's unlikely that I will reach the end of 2016 with more than 10-12 articles written, and maybe 30-40 blog posts. Because I like electricity. And running water.

Actually, let's make that a small "focus experiment." I'll point back here in my 2017 New Year's post and we'll see how I did. I'll be curious to see if my prediction holds.

See how I just "digressed" again? I think the phrase-- often used by writers-- "But I digress" was coined by someone with chronic ADHD.

Of course, writing these  words was a sidetrack, in and of itself. Now I need to do some actual work...

Another Year... Filled With Distractions?

It's a fresh new year.

I have always tended to spend the first couple of weeks of any new year "taking inventory" of where I am in life and writing myself a series of "status updates." I suppose it is what I do, in lieu of focusing on so-called New Year's Resolutions.

There is something comforting (at least to me) about looking at "what was" and "what is" and examining "How I Am Doing."

I ponder the process and realize that the "comfort" I get from it comes in part from having this little island of "known" in my life... and because it allows me to give myself an occasional "cookie" for having done something pretty well in such a way that my eternal tendency to get distracted didn't completely derail some plan or project I was trying to work through.

Somebody-- who may or may not have been wise-- once said that our tendency to get distracted from our Present as much as anything is the result of not particularly liking that Present. It's more pleasant to go into some distraction from that Present so that's what we do. This would apply to all people, not just those of us living with ADHD.

Of course, the implication there is that we are unhappy with our "Present."

I have sat with that conundrum a number of times, because I definitely like my Present-- getting back to "taking inventory--" and am pretty happy about the life I have managed to create for myself.

But on deeper reflection, there are flies in the proverbial ointment.

Even though I totally like my present... hereunder the odd way I have managed to create multiple micro-businesses that earn income... my "dirty little secret" is that I don't like the way it feels like a draining, 24/7, balls-to-the-wall effort to do enough with those things (which I enjoy) that they can afford our household even the most basic of livings. Feeling like you have to constantly "be working," simply to live "from shut-off notice to shut-off notice" (the self-employed version of "paycheck-to-paycheck") is extraordinarily draining.

And for someone with ADHD... the temptation to UN-focus, and not merely do the human thing of tuning out the difficulties of the Present, but fall prey to ADHD distraction is huge. Almost insurmountable.

Of course, I may simply have unrealistic expectations about "what it takes" to make it, in life. Seems like half the world is struggling to make ends meet.

So anyway, in the process of taking inventory and looking at what 2016 might hold-- what I would like it to hold-- it would seem like I have done a pretty fair job of creating "systems" to help me be as efficient as possible while switching between tasks. Now the challenge just becomes about efficiency, or how to put in about the same amount of time and effort, to come out with an increase in revenues and income.

I'll have to get back with you on how that turns out!

Inattentive ADHD and "The Laziness Issue"

When I was in grade school, I was "pursued" by the words "Peter is a bright student, but he would do much better if only he applied himself."

I suppose there was a superficial truth to this. I was never a trouble maker, nor was I ever "that fidgety kid always bouncing off the walls." But I did frequently "drift off" during class, and I had a hell of a time concentrating on anything without "going to sleep."

At a different point in my young life I replied to my mother's lament about why I couldn't keep my room tidy with the words "Because I am basically a lazy person."

My mother scoffed and sternly told me "Nonsense! There are no lazy people in OUR family!!"

To those who live with the Inattentive version of ADHD, these anecdotes probably have a ring of familiarity to them.

For most of my adult life, I have contemplated "the laziness issue."

I have never been a very active person. That is to say, I have never been a "high energy" person. Don't get me wrong, when I was in my 20's I ran half-marathons and was extremely fit. At 55, I still go on 15-mile beach combing trips that last eight hours or more. But I do so slowly and methodically, not "energetically."

Maybe that seems paradoxical... but I would arrive at running events yawning and feeling sluggish-- then I'd "run like hell"-- and then I'd feel sluggish again. These days, I can be walking and be close to "asleep" at the same time.

The thing that continues to puzzle me is trying to figure out to what degree brain chemistry ("ADHD") lies behind feeling this way, and to what degree I am simply a "low impact" person, from nature's side.

If I am understanding this "condition" correctly, brain chemistry accounts for the part that makes it super hard for me to concentrate, and possibly for the part that makes me want to go to sleep-- at least if you also factor in the possibility of SCT.

However... I have never had much ambition. I have never really felt much drive to "go places" and "do things" with my life. Mostly, I've just wanted to be left alone and my "ambition" has historically amounted to precisely enough "drive" to support that desire without imposing myself on others.

At the risk of coming across as conceited and self-important, I am really good at a lot of different things, ranging from research psychology to business management to writing. I am highly educated-- both in the academic sense, as well as in the practical/experiential sense-- and have been offered a variety of "excellent opportunities" over the years. But I generally "just don't give a shit" and I am also UN-motivated by not wanting to work that hard.

An assortment of "Success Coaches" and "Life Purpose Experts" have insisted that I "just haven't found what I am passionate about, yet." Now in my mid-50's, I remain open to that as "truth" of some sort... but I am also skeptical. I'm not motivated by money, success, fame, wealth, popularity, power or any of those metrics humanity uses to "rank" itself. When I am completely honest with myself, I feel motivated by the opportunity to sit still and watch a blade of grass grow. Sincerely? If someone would pay me $20 an hour to sit and stare into space for 10 hours a day, I'd be delighted.

Not kidding.

On the surface, that may "sound delightful," to some people-- but once they've contemplated the deeper implications-- the idea of "being alone with yourself and your thoughts for ten hours a day" is terrifying. For me, it's sounds like something akin to Nirvana.

"You're just lying to yourself!" I've been told, a million times.

No. Not really.

But I digress... the point here is that I am trying to identify the exact intersection of Inattentive ADHD-- which I acknowledge is definitely "an issue" in my life-- and a natural inclination towards preferring to be a "stationary object."

It leads me to pondering whether I would come across as more active (or "less lazy") if I didn't live in the eternal brain fogs of LaLa Land, 24/7? Would I be more "ambitious" and inclined to "do things" if those didn't always feel like SO MUCH WORK!!??!! (Yes, I "shouted" those words...)

I don't really like "work."

It's a more complex issue than immediately meets the eye... since I am also an HSP, some of my reticence can be attributed to avoiding getting "overstimulated" by (what feels like) excessive input from my environment. But that's more of a "complication" than an underlying reason.

Last but not least... philosophically-- and politically/socially-- speaking, I lean towards a paradigm centered around "enough," rather than the greater cultural norm of "more." I have a strong (almost pathological) dislike of large organizations who rape the globe and its inhabitants in the name of "profit," as well as individuals who measure their "worth" in terms of material accumulation and power over others... rooted in the fear that they will not have "enough" no matter HOW much they have. So "activity" due to a compulsion to achieve things is not really relevant to me.

I mention this because it has nothing to do with neurochemistry.

As I keep making these verbal explorations, I feel like I am getting closer to some kind of truth... or "insight." Why do I care? Because it feels like "knowing" would offer me a measure of inner peace. And that does matter to me!

Then again, it's entirely possible that I just "think too much."

ADHD... and Sluggish Cognitive Tempo

In recent months, I have increasingly been considering the issue of "Sluggish Cognitive Tempo" as it relates to my life, and as it relates (or not) to the "Inattentive" variant of ADHD.

Feeling like I am a "slow thinker" has plagued me since I was quite young. I use the word "plagued" because my world changed around age nine when psych evaluations and IQ tests revealed that a seemingly "slow and dreamy" kid turned out to have an IQ in the 157-163 range... by most measures considered "genuis" level.

Science isn't quite sure where SCT "fits," as of now. The medical field leanings are that it is a separate "concentration deficit disorder."

For me, it makes sense... from the "sleepiness" and "brain fog" perspective I have experienced since I was quite small. And continue to experience, as an adult. As I have written many times here, I was never HYPERactive... if anything, I was HYPOactive... which is a core characteristic of SCT.

And it certainly helps explain the slowness vs. intelligence factor. I can manage and solve incredibly complex "systems thinking" problems, but only IF there is no time pressure.

In my case, the "brain soup" is further complicated by the fact that I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), which means factors like "easily overstimulated" and "immobilized by stressful situations" also become relevant.

What originally led me to looking at SCT was researching my strange "reflexes" and slow cognitive reactions.

Put in very ordinary terms... I arrive at a 4-stop intersection, and the part of "reaction time" that concerns itself with "seeing the scene" is super fast in me. However, the part of "reaction time" that concerns itself with "interpreting" what I am seeing (OK, this is a 4-way intersection. OK, no cars are coming. No cars means I can go. OK, go.) is extraordinarily slow (lowest 5%) in me.

That doesn't really "fit" any of the ADHD criteria... it's "something else." But I am not-- to use a blunt and socially incorrect word-- "stupid,"

These are just lines of thinking I am exploring,.. more to come.

Focusing... by UN-focusing

Sometimes, the only way I can hope to stay focused is by remaining UN-focused.

I have a really busy day ahead of me-- there is basically "too much stuff" that needs to be done today, and getting it all done will require a lot of focus.

When you live with ADHD Inattentive, a funny thing happens. Well... at least a funny thing happens to me. When I start really concentrating on something, I can feel my brain start to shut down, within about 5-10 minutes... instead of getting a neurotransmitter "boost" to help me get a lot done, my brain gets the "message" that I clearly haven't slept in five days, and I should take a nap... immediately.

As the outcome of a lot of experimentation over the past 20 years, I have managed to build a semi-functional life around the process of "chunking small." It's not exactly the same interpretation as that term as used in NLP, but it basically means that if I make the discrete tasks I attempt small enough, I can "fool" my brain by being finished with any given task that needs doing, before I get chemical messages to go to sleep.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I also openly allow "distractions" and-- in fact-- try to work with them to my benefit, rather than making them "bad" and trying to resist them.

For example, looking at today's work load... I can't possibly hope to "list 88 items on eBay," but I might just be able to "list ONE item on eBay," 88 times. Maybe that sounds like the same thing, but I can assure you it is not, when you live inside this body and brain. In the pursuit of today's work, it is also likely that I will "allow" myself to sidetrack, at least 40-50 times... for a minute or two, segueing into some other very small task.

To many an outsider, this probably all sounds like an excuse to put a fancy label on simple procrastination. So be it. Maybe procrastination is the "ugly stepchild" (of sorts) of ADHD.

I am less concerned with "labels" than I am with functional living. And in my world, that means non-pharmaceutical functional living.

I have learned to work with "distractions" as part of a functional routine. I even wrote this article (hand written, on bits of paper) while standing in the kitchen, feeding the dog her breakfast and waiting for my toast to finish toasting. It "works" because it allows my brain to "roam" and stay unfocused, which means I can avoid the dreaded "brain sleep" that invariably seems to accompany any attempts I make to concentrate and focus on something.

Which leaves the question of what I can find to distract myself with, while typing out these words for publication. These words, which started as a "distraction" from something else I was thinking about doing...

Feeling My Brain Shut Down...

Ironically, I came here to write this post as a "sidetrack" to doing something else I was trying to concentrate on.

For some time, I have been wanting to write about the strange ways I sometimes "experience" my own brain chemistry in action. And then I found myself needing to concentrate on the tedium of processing a bunch of images for eBay items... and I could-- quite literally-- sense my brain chemistry starting to "do" things to interrupt my attempt to get some work done.

Perhaps much of this doesn't make any sense. After, what possible functional reason (from nature's side) could my brain have for wanting me to shut down?

And frankly? It sounds like so much mumbo-jumbo I wouldn't believe myself, were it not for many years spent learning a meditation and mindfulness practice... if I weren't able to sit back and "observe myself" when my moods and activity levels are in the process of changing, I also wouldn't be able to write these words.

So anyway...

I am sitting there getting ready to repeat the same PhotoShop procedure on some hundreds of photos, and I am well tuned in to the reality that "I need to just knock these out." And all is well, inside my head. And all is well, as I fly through the first ten minutes, or so.

And then "it" happens. This "thing" I have battled all my life.

I am now 15 minutes into the process... and it suddenly feels like I have not slept in six days! You know that feeling of having pulled four all-nighters in a row, while living on fast food and two hours of sleep a night? Yeah, that. I'm not "bored." I'm not "distracted." I just want to sleep. NOW!

In the space of about 5-10 minutes, I go from feeling fine, alert and ambitious to... well, I virtually couldn't keep my eyes open to save my life.

Now, I should add that I had a good night's sleep, and have felt rested and alert all day-- it is now close to 1:30pm. I didn't come to this process with "residual sleepiness" or fatigue that was just waiting to happen. I also do not suffer from narcolepsy-- I've already covered that ground many times.

This is something I will continue to study... but if you can relate, do let me hear from you-- leave a comment!

Being a Highly Sensitive Person, ADHD and Managing Overwhelm

This morning-- as has happened untold hundreds of times in my life-- I spent about an hour going through the process of "cleaning my desk so I can do my work." It is something I usually feel compelled to do whenever I have an exceptionally large volume of work I feel like I "need to get done," and I have reached a point of feeling so overwhelmed that I become immobilized by the prospect of even figuring out "where to start."

Even writing these words became part of my "cloud of overwhelm," even though I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to convey, when I walked into my office. But it was not as simple as that, because once I'd organized my desk and was ready to write, I ended up feeling like I had to "sub-organize" the section of my desk where I keep my folders with scraps of paper on which I have jotted down "writing ideas." After all, there might be some "HSP-with-ADHD" type ideas in there that I might be able to use.

It briefly reminded me of a remark HSP therapist and expert Ane Axford once made about being an HSP: "Even my to-do list has to-do lists!"

But wait! There's more! While I was organizing dozens of little slips of paper and interpreting my scribbles from the past 60-days or so, my nose started itching. So I needed to find out what that was about. As it turned out, a "wild" hair from my mustache was poking the bottom edge of one nostril. So I trimmed it off. But then I noticed that my beard was starting to look a little too shaggy, and since I was "there" with sharp scissors, I might as well give myself a trim... because "it needed to be done," right?

At 8:38, I arrived at my desk with a cup of coffee and a clear idea for what I wanted to write, today. At 9:52, I am actually typing these words. One hour and fourteen minutes more or less "up in smoke." Ironically, my present life just "effectively" reflected the root "idea" of what I wanted to write about.

I am a Highly Sensitive Person (or HSP, for short) with ADHD.

After some 17 years of "studying the problem," I have become well aware that "being an HSP" and "living with ADHD" are two very different things.

Sure, the two "interact" and "talk to each other" but their relationship is non-causal. That is, being an HSP is not the cause of my ADHD, and living with ADHD did not "make me" an HSP. It's important to keep that very clearly in mind. At the same time, it is also important to understand how the two interact.

As a point of disclosure-- because some people may be reading this blog for the first time-- I will also point out that my "issue" is the "inattentive" form of ADHD. Thus, I can't experientially speak exactly to how HSPs with the more common (or "traditional") "hyperactive-impulsive" variant of ADHD experience life... although I am well familiar with many aspects of it as my wife is an HSP with hyperactive-impulsive ADHD.

OK, so that gets all the technical and disclosure stuff out of the way.

So how does the HSP experience of ADHD differ from the rest of the world's? My experience suggests that we are more likely to experience the effects of "all this stuff we get involved in" as overstimulating, in addition to simply feeling a crazy pinball machine of "stuff."

The HSP part of the equation "speaks" in the sense that it amplifies my experience of my own scatteredness. One of the core precepts of being Highly Sensitive is experiencing life more intensely... and those HSPs afflicted with ADHD consequently experience the effects of the condition more intensely.

I have long struggled to describe how that feels. Most HSPs-- when they struggle to manage overstimulation-- tend to be dealing with "externals:" loud people, bright lights, too many demands, environmental noise. For me, sometimes quite often the source of my overstimulation comes from my own "inner processes," rather than external stimuli. This morning, I found myself being overstimulated by my own thoughts, rather than by what I actually ("functionally") need to get done today (which is relatively manageable).

On a more practical level, HSPs often benefit from striving for relative simplicity in their lives as a way to keep their stimulation levels optimal... when you live with ADHD, one of the typical effects is the ability to "complexify" everything. "Watering the garden," isn't just about turning on the hose, but becomes an odyssey of 47 distractions and "things that ALSO need to be done." In a sense, the ADHD provides a constant stream of "stimulants" that are all but impossible to turn off.

Even as I write this article, I have experienced that "effect." What was intended to be a brief 300-word commentary about being an HSP and getting overstimulated by ADHD-generated thoughts has turned into a full-blown 1500-word article because "I might as well" add this-and-that, and add hither-and-yon to provide a more useful learning experience for readers.

So what can an HSP with ADHD effectively do to manage the swirling thoughts that lead to "self-generated overstimulation?"

On the whole, the only thing I have found even mildly effective is organization. Specifically, I have learned to "live by" a system of "writing myself notes" about everything I need to do, and every thought that's worthy of later exploration.

How does that "work?" When I sit in a cloud of overwhelming swirling thoughts, it helps me to "catch" a thought and put it briefly on paper-- just 10-15 words. It means I can "remove" it from the swirling cloud. Then I do that... maybe 20-30 times, maybe more. All of a sudden... this abstract cloud of ideas and thoughts have become... a gentle breeze. The thoughts are no longer "bouncing around" inside my head... they have been "transferred" to a neat little pile of notes on my desk... and my head is (more or less) clear to focus on what I really need to do. Any thoughts of "OMG! I lost a valuable idea!" are non-existent, because I recorded all those thoughts. They are NOT lost! They are right here.

As a metaphor, think of it as using your computer and "bookmarking" the 47 interesting web sites you found for "later" rather than trying to keep 47 tabs/windows open, all at once. Your swirling thoughts are "the Internet." You can't keep it all open, all the time... and expect to not cave in under the load.

Last but not least, rather than being an elaborate form of procrastination, the "cleaning my desk" process serves a practical function... it "simplifies" the cloud of swirling thoughts inside my head, and reduces it to neat stacks of papers I can actually visualize, and then deal with in a systematic manner. I may just have "given up" an hour and fourteen minutes... but that effectively will "save me" from having a day on which I actually "lose" six hours of work time to feeling overwhelmed and spinning out of control while being utterly non-productive. Continuing the Internet bookmarking metaphor, think of it as sorting your bookmarks and deleting some it turned out weren't that interesting... or you actually no longer actually need.

There's no doubt that being a Highly Sensitive Person and living with ADHD presents unique challenges... aside from using "tools and tricks" to cope, the best thing you can do for yourself is learn as much as you can, and become familiar with how the two interact... in your life.

Thanks for reading!