Unfinished Projects and Angry Intolerance

Maybe it's just part and parcel of being human that many people walk through life with a deep rooted sense of fear and dis-ease that primarily bubbles to the surface whenever they are faced with people, ideas, concepts and situations that are "not like them."

I've spent a good 30 years in the self-development, psychology and consciousness "industries" and there often seems to be this subtle subtext of "exclusion" in many places... ostensibly created in the spirit of healing.

It's hard to explain, but I experience this in many places. People (especially "doctors") specializing in ADHD are often prejudiced against those who opt for "natural management" of their symptoms... and seem outright threatened if those choosing that natural path are actually succeeding.

In the consciousness field, there's a deep rooted suspicion of those who come "into realization" without first suffering for twenty years. They are not to be "taken seriously" because they saw fit to jump out of the "fires of pain" quickly, rather than sit and burn for decades. It's almost like there is a "nobility" in pain.

In the field of spirituality, there are prejudices against those who don't eschew all things material in the pursuit of a spiritual path. It's almost shades of the old "self-flagellation with birch branches" from times of old.

It's probably just part of being human, as I said.

What I find ironic is that most of these fields want to "welcome" you, an help you "heal," but it turns out that newcomers (or even late comers) are only truly welcome if they neatly fit into a bunch of neat and tidy boxes... or are willing to take them on.

For example, I am also a "Highly Sensitive Person" (or HSP) but in many cases I have been "rejected" because I don't fit a certain stereotypical mold... and than I have the "gall" to speak up and state that there are multiple ways sensitivities and traits can manifest.

I find this sort of baffling-- on an overall scale-- because I am failing to "get" how my mere existence can be a perceived "threat" to someone whose perception is different from mine.

I mean, if I come across someone who experiences ADHD differently from me, and manages their life differently from me... I don't experience that as any kind of threat to my belief system... if anything, I might learn something from them that can improve my own life. I don't quite understand this type of intellectual myopia.

As always, this very post is an example of how ADHD sometimes rules my life. I actually came here to write about something completely different... and got sidetracked. In fact, I was going to write on a different blog altogether-- so I have changed directions three time already. Yes, there are times when I genuinely wish I could have an idea and follow a train of thought from conceptualization to final outcome, without having to do "47 things" in between. But on the whole I do OK, and manage to fumble my way through life on my own terms.

Now, where was I?

Oh yeah... angry intolerance. I don't get it.

ADHD and Randomness in my Brain

I don't remember where or when it was that I read a blog post by someone who coined the phrase "Too Many Interests Syndrome." All I remember is that I read those words and immediately related to them.

Seems like I have always had "too many interests," but none (or very, very few) of those interests have actually been interesting enough to hold my attention for any period of time. As such, I have struggled immensely to develop any level of "expertise" at anything.

This morning I was-- as I often am-- thinking about "things to write about" while I was cooking breakfast. It's that thing I have mentioned before, that I call "Bacon Creativity."

Anyway, as I was jotting down several quite interesting and insightful ideas for articles, I got to thinking about the small ocean of loose scraps of paper floating around on my desk... all of them with various "ideas for articles" and "ideas for blog posts" and even "ideas for web sites." Most of the time, they just "sit there," and never get developed into anything.

On one hand, it makes me feel a little bit sad because there actually some very worthy ideas there. On the other hand, I feel a certain sense of peace at knowing that I did take the time to develop these ideas far enough to put them on scraps of paper... and by the mere fact that they have been written down, I gain the "therapeutic benefit" of no longer needing to store them inside my head. Because that's what happens to me, with ideas: If I don't take some kind of "action" on them, they stay inside my head, dancing around and taking up valuable space in parts of my brain I really need to use to deal with the daily business of Earning A Living™.

Somewhere in the middle of my flurry of committing ideas to scraps of paper-- while simultaneously making sure that the bacon didn't burn-- I got to think about my college daze.

In a sense, college was no different from my life now.

My ADHD was just as evident back then (early 1980s), even though I had no idea what "ADHD" was. nor that I was having any kind of "problem."

I mean, after all, I got a degree, right? And I even graduated with a 3.8 GPA. You can't "do that," if your brain is malfunctioning, right? Right?

Of course, the "dirty little secret" underlying that very fine college degree from a major university is that (a) it took me five years to graduate and I had 180+ credit hours at a school where most undergraduate degrees required 120-128 credit hours... and (b) I didn't actually decide on a final major until the beginning of the semester in which I graduated.

Yes, I just said that...

After 4 1/2 years of taking an assortment of classes that (mostly) seemed "interesting" I went to see a Degree Advisor and we plugged my completed courses into probably 50 different degree programs to eventually determine that I was closest to a degree in Finance with a minor in English... and if I took three more course, I could graduate.

So I did.

Maybe more people go through college that way than I give them credit for... but it always feel like the Degree Advisor regarded me with a mixture of amusement and the sort of fear/disdain typically reserved for lepers.

Looking back a bit further... when I was a kid, I was no good at the whole "What do you want to do when you grow up?" game. I had no idea-- there were so MANY things. 18 years later-- armed with my freshly baked college degree-- I had no more idea of "what I wanted to do when I grow up" than when I was seven.

The only things I could come up with was "something enjoyable and meaningful."

Which is about as specific as saying someone is "nice" and that you like to "have fun" in your spare time.

Now-- at 55-- I am not really any closer to having become "specific." Most of my life has actually been very UN-specific.

What I have learned in the course of those years is the the more I have placed myself in positions of "doing what society thinks people should do" the more UN-happy I have been, and the more I have "walked my own very random path" the happier I have been.

But unfortunately, there has been a rub; a conundrum: The more I have followed my own path, the poorer I have been; the more I have followed society's path, the wealthier I have been.

Which suggests to me that there must be something terribly wrong with the way we "measure people" and their successes and accomplishments... what does it truly say about our world if "doing what you love" means you get to live on food stamps and doing something you don't like earns you a McMansion and a new Mercedes? Don't we have it completely backwards?

I realize that the whole "Capitalism vs. Contentment" discussion is far beyond the scope of this article... I am mostly interested in exploring the role ADHD has played (if any?) in my pursuit of a "random" life... and the potential "price tag" associated therewith. Is ADHD even "a thing?" I am also exploring the interconnectedness of being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) with ADHD... how the HSPs tendency to process and experience deeply may be part of what leads me to eternally study and analyze myself and how I operate in the world.

What do YOU think? Leave me a comment!

Another Year... Filled With Distractions?

It's a fresh new year.

I have always tended to spend the first couple of weeks of any new year "taking inventory" of where I am in life and writing myself a series of "status updates." I suppose it is what I do, in lieu of focusing on so-called New Year's Resolutions.

There is something comforting (at least to me) about looking at "what was" and "what is" and examining "How I Am Doing."

I ponder the process and realize that the "comfort" I get from it comes in part from having this little island of "known" in my life... and because it allows me to give myself an occasional "cookie" for having done something pretty well in such a way that my eternal tendency to get distracted didn't completely derail some plan or project I was trying to work through.

Somebody-- who may or may not have been wise-- once said that our tendency to get distracted from our Present as much as anything is the result of not particularly liking that Present. It's more pleasant to go into some distraction from that Present so that's what we do. This would apply to all people, not just those of us living with ADHD.

Of course, the implication there is that we are unhappy with our "Present."

I have sat with that conundrum a number of times, because I definitely like my Present-- getting back to "taking inventory--" and am pretty happy about the life I have managed to create for myself.

But on deeper reflection, there are flies in the proverbial ointment.

Even though I totally like my present... hereunder the odd way I have managed to create multiple micro-businesses that earn income... my "dirty little secret" is that I don't like the way it feels like a draining, 24/7, balls-to-the-wall effort to do enough with those things (which I enjoy) that they can afford our household even the most basic of livings. Feeling like you have to constantly "be working," simply to live "from shut-off notice to shut-off notice" (the self-employed version of "paycheck-to-paycheck") is extraordinarily draining.

And for someone with ADHD... the temptation to UN-focus, and not merely do the human thing of tuning out the difficulties of the Present, but fall prey to ADHD distraction is huge. Almost insurmountable.

Of course, I may simply have unrealistic expectations about "what it takes" to make it, in life. Seems like half the world is struggling to make ends meet.

So anyway, in the process of taking inventory and looking at what 2016 might hold-- what I would like it to hold-- it would seem like I have done a pretty fair job of creating "systems" to help me be as efficient as possible while switching between tasks. Now the challenge just becomes about efficiency, or how to put in about the same amount of time and effort, to come out with an increase in revenues and income.

I'll have to get back with you on how that turns out!

Inattentive ADHD and "The Laziness Issue"

When I was in grade school, I was "pursued" by the words "Peter is a bright student, but he would do much better if only he applied himself."

I suppose there was a superficial truth to this. I was never a trouble maker, nor was I ever "that fidgety kid always bouncing off the walls." But I did frequently "drift off" during class, and I had a hell of a time concentrating on anything without "going to sleep."

At a different point in my young life I replied to my mother's lament about why I couldn't keep my room tidy with the words "Because I am basically a lazy person."

My mother scoffed and sternly told me "Nonsense! There are no lazy people in OUR family!!"

To those who live with the Inattentive version of ADHD, these anecdotes probably have a ring of familiarity to them.

For most of my adult life, I have contemplated "the laziness issue."

I have never been a very active person. That is to say, I have never been a "high energy" person. Don't get me wrong, when I was in my 20's I ran half-marathons and was extremely fit. At 55, I still go on 15-mile beach combing trips that last eight hours or more. But I do so slowly and methodically, not "energetically."

Maybe that seems paradoxical... but I would arrive at running events yawning and feeling sluggish-- then I'd "run like hell"-- and then I'd feel sluggish again. These days, I can be walking and be close to "asleep" at the same time.

The thing that continues to puzzle me is trying to figure out to what degree brain chemistry ("ADHD") lies behind feeling this way, and to what degree I am simply a "low impact" person, from nature's side.

If I am understanding this "condition" correctly, brain chemistry accounts for the part that makes it super hard for me to concentrate, and possibly for the part that makes me want to go to sleep-- at least if you also factor in the possibility of SCT.

However... I have never had much ambition. I have never really felt much drive to "go places" and "do things" with my life. Mostly, I've just wanted to be left alone and my "ambition" has historically amounted to precisely enough "drive" to support that desire without imposing myself on others.

At the risk of coming across as conceited and self-important, I am really good at a lot of different things, ranging from research psychology to business management to writing. I am highly educated-- both in the academic sense, as well as in the practical/experiential sense-- and have been offered a variety of "excellent opportunities" over the years. But I generally "just don't give a shit" and I am also UN-motivated by not wanting to work that hard.

An assortment of "Success Coaches" and "Life Purpose Experts" have insisted that I "just haven't found what I am passionate about, yet." Now in my mid-50's, I remain open to that as "truth" of some sort... but I am also skeptical. I'm not motivated by money, success, fame, wealth, popularity, power or any of those metrics humanity uses to "rank" itself. When I am completely honest with myself, I feel motivated by the opportunity to sit still and watch a blade of grass grow. Sincerely? If someone would pay me $20 an hour to sit and stare into space for 10 hours a day, I'd be delighted.

Not kidding.

On the surface, that may "sound delightful," to some people-- but once they've contemplated the deeper implications-- the idea of "being alone with yourself and your thoughts for ten hours a day" is terrifying. For me, it's sounds like something akin to Nirvana.

"You're just lying to yourself!" I've been told, a million times.

No. Not really.

But I digress... the point here is that I am trying to identify the exact intersection of Inattentive ADHD-- which I acknowledge is definitely "an issue" in my life-- and a natural inclination towards preferring to be a "stationary object."

It leads me to pondering whether I would come across as more active (or "less lazy") if I didn't live in the eternal brain fogs of LaLa Land, 24/7? Would I be more "ambitious" and inclined to "do things" if those didn't always feel like SO MUCH WORK!!??!! (Yes, I "shouted" those words...)

I don't really like "work."

It's a more complex issue than immediately meets the eye... since I am also an HSP, some of my reticence can be attributed to avoiding getting "overstimulated" by (what feels like) excessive input from my environment. But that's more of a "complication" than an underlying reason.

Last but not least... philosophically-- and politically/socially-- speaking, I lean towards a paradigm centered around "enough," rather than the greater cultural norm of "more." I have a strong (almost pathological) dislike of large organizations who rape the globe and its inhabitants in the name of "profit," as well as individuals who measure their "worth" in terms of material accumulation and power over others... rooted in the fear that they will not have "enough" no matter HOW much they have. So "activity" due to a compulsion to achieve things is not really relevant to me.

I mention this because it has nothing to do with neurochemistry.

As I keep making these verbal explorations, I feel like I am getting closer to some kind of truth... or "insight." Why do I care? Because it feels like "knowing" would offer me a measure of inner peace. And that does matter to me!

Then again, it's entirely possible that I just "think too much."

ADHD... and Sluggish Cognitive Tempo

In recent months, I have increasingly been considering the issue of "Sluggish Cognitive Tempo" as it relates to my life, and as it relates (or not) to the "Inattentive" variant of ADHD.

Feeling like I am a "slow thinker" has plagued me since I was quite young. I use the word "plagued" because my world changed around age nine when psych evaluations and IQ tests revealed that a seemingly "slow and dreamy" kid turned out to have an IQ in the 157-163 range... by most measures considered "genuis" level.

Science isn't quite sure where SCT "fits," as of now. The medical field leanings are that it is a separate "concentration deficit disorder."

For me, it makes sense... from the "sleepiness" and "brain fog" perspective I have experienced since I was quite small. And continue to experience, as an adult. As I have written many times here, I was never HYPERactive... if anything, I was HYPOactive... which is a core characteristic of SCT.

And it certainly helps explain the slowness vs. intelligence factor. I can manage and solve incredibly complex "systems thinking" problems, but only IF there is no time pressure.

In my case, the "brain soup" is further complicated by the fact that I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), which means factors like "easily overstimulated" and "immobilized by stressful situations" also become relevant.

What originally led me to looking at SCT was researching my strange "reflexes" and slow cognitive reactions.

Put in very ordinary terms... I arrive at a 4-stop intersection, and the part of "reaction time" that concerns itself with "seeing the scene" is super fast in me. However, the part of "reaction time" that concerns itself with "interpreting" what I am seeing (OK, this is a 4-way intersection. OK, no cars are coming. No cars means I can go. OK, go.) is extraordinarily slow (lowest 5%) in me.

That doesn't really "fit" any of the ADHD criteria... it's "something else." But I am not-- to use a blunt and socially incorrect word-- "stupid,"

These are just lines of thinking I am exploring,.. more to come.

ADHD, Discernment and Prioritizing

Over the years, I have learned to use a series of "coping tools" in lieu of letting myself get "drugged into oblivion."

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against "better living through pharmaceuticals," but I prefer to limit such things to blood pressure meds and the like.

When I sit inside my personal experience with ADHD (and also draw on experiences and anecdotes others have shared), it has always struck me that there is always so much on our plates; so many things clamoring for our attention.

This morning I reflected on "all the things" I need to get done this week, and it occurred to me that one of the defining characteristics of ADHD-- at least for me and for a lot of people-- seems to be a difficulty practicing discernment. It's not really a case of me having "more things" I need to get done, but a case of me having great difficulty prioritizing those things appropriately. That is, all the things that come up feel "equally important," and then I get stuck while contemplating where to begin.

I get the distinct impression that the majority of the world has just as many things they need to get done as I do, but they have a much better ability to look at something, declare it "not important," and then move on with what matters most. I find it quite difficult to "rank" things. And sometimes I rank them "poorly," assigning excess importance to "busy work" that will make it easier for me to deal with the most important things. Which, in turn, leaves those "most important things" UN-done, often causing me all manners of headaches.

Even as I make my way through the day, using my system of "task notes," I find it a struggle to decide which things are most important... and I often end up in a pattern of "cleaning my desk so I can do my work" when I really should just launch directly into "doing my work."

It's all a learning process... but sometimes it feels like I am moving desperately slowly.

ADHD "Management" in Action

This morning, I decided I was going to make breakfast. Specifically, I chose to make a large batch of breakfast crepes. If you're not familiar with making these, the important gist (or "salient point") of this story is that mixing ingredients for the batter is pretty quick and simple... and then you are "stuck there," flipping crepes, for about an hour.

Of course, when you have ADHD of any kind, your mind tends to be going a million miles an hour, while traveling all over creation. Even though my "form" of ADHD is the "inattentive" variant... I'm no exception. Flipping crepes for an hour feels like a "trap," yet I have little choice but to "stay there," if I actually want the food. The upside is that minding a skillet on the stove might require some concentration, but is otherwise a pretty mindless sort of thing.

The long and the short of it is that my hour turned into a creative writing exercise, using one of my "tools" that has become an effective part of my ADHD management skills.

In addition to having my pan and my plates and my spatula... I also grabbed a stack of small sheets of notepaper and a pen... and started cooking.

By the time the crepes were finished, I had also outlined-- in pen, on individual sheets of paper-- 11 different articles and blog posts, the last one of which was a sketchy note to myself to put this blog post here, as an illustration of how to "use" the condition to our advantage, rather than trying to "fight" it.

I know-- from many years of experience-- that I can't hope to focus on a mindless task for more than a few minutes. I have found that if I "expand" such a task by adding a very specific "secondary goal" to work on, I can actually become very productive. As such, I have trained myself to cash in on some of me best "thinking time" while being engaged in "non-thinking" tasks-- like mowing the lawn, certain kinds of cooking. I also know from experience that if I don't have such a "specified secondary task" my mind will roam in a totally unstructured fashion, and I will get nothing done. In the case of this morning's crepe cookery, I would probably have burned a few of them because I would have flitted off to some other, unrelated, task... and lost track of time. However, I knew that being able to write on bits of paper right next to my "primary objective" would allow me to stay on task. I also knew that "jotting an idea" would be short enough to keep me from burning food.

So not only did I come away with something yummy to eat, I came away a "quieter mind" because I'd actually "emptied" my head while I was cooking... at least temporarily. And so, I could enjoy a peaceful breakfast... without obsessively "trying to remember all those ideas I had while cooking." Which is pretty much how much of my life used to be, even just 10 years ago.

ADHD Musings: The Thing About Deadlines

One of the things I have long realized about myself is that I work best "to deadlines."

To explain that a bit further, what I am really saying here is that if there is not a "looming deadline," odds are that I will not get anything done, at all.

Take this week, for example. I know that I wanted to get a large number of new auctions listed on eBay by this coming Sunday, as part of giving my rare stamp business a boost. Now, creating 150-odd listings on eBay is pretty time consuming... especially with merchandise like rare old postage stamps: They have to be "selected," then "scanned," then the images have to be "formatted and color corrected," then the description for each has to be individually written and uploaded to the staging area. All in all, it's a LOT of work.

So I say to myself-- probably two weeks ahead of the "launch date"-- that if I just get a little bit done every day, then the whole thing won't creep up on me and be a giant stressful mess at the very end. Because "giant stressful mess at the the very end" is how I tend to work.

And so, here we are, on Friday, with three days remaining before I had planned to get these sales made public. And where am I?

Even though I know that getting this done is essential... and that being able to pay our bills this month depends on these sales... I really have not been able to motivate myself to do much work on getting the auctions ready. Sure, I have sat down to "get started" a number of times, and I have "dabbled a little," but in about 75% of my available work time, I have managed to get about (maybe!) 10% of the overall workload taken care of.

This has been a pervasive pattern in all aspects of my life, since being a teenager who never could "get around to" homework until an hour before it was due. Of course, I have always been able to "excuse myself" by stating (quite truthfully, I might add) that "I am brilliant under pressure," and I always DO tend to get these things done. But not without a horrible last-minute "death march" to get there. And 90% of the time? The results are usually stellar... better than most people's, even if they worked tirelessly on the same thing for three weeks.

Maybe this doesn't have anything to do with being ADHD, at all. Maybe it's about "work styles." That is not really clear to me. "Distraction" definitely plays into the mix... distractions seem so much more appealing, when there is plenty of time. Unless I feel the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head, I am not given to "doing what must be done." Character flaw? Work habits? Inherent laziness? Aspects of ADHD?

And it's not that I am not aware of the "passing of time." In fact, I regularly "count down" how much time I have left, to do the remaining work... I know exactly how many days and hours remain. But unless there is "severe pressure to perform" being brought to bear, I don't feel inclined to move.

This is not a good thing... as I have recently been diagnosed with severe hypertension, and I am becoming more aware of things I do that are constitute underlying stress patterns. These "last minute rushes" to do the essential things of life are extremely stressful.

Somehow, I need to overcome my habits... and reduce stress. So here I am, writing a blog post instead of working on my eBay stuff. Because I still have "plenty of time."

Ironic, no?

"Functional" Distractions... as an ADHD Coping Tool

I am eternally looking for ways to make my "scattered" life easier to navigate.

For a few years now, one of my most effective tools has been finding ways to engage myself in what I think of as "Functional Distractions."

The bane of my existence (and the underlying cause for much of my non-productivity) was always the fact that I would get sidetracked into doing "useless things" and end up with a day where I actually worked for maybe 30 minutes (net) and spent ten hours exploring a variety of mostly useless "rabbit holes."

Some part of me wants to rationalize that I was sidetracking because it was the only way to stay awake, and that maybe my research would "be useful some day," but that excuse has never really done me much good. Bottom line-- for 99.9% of the population-- is that unless we work, and actually accomplish things, we can't pay for our rent, power bill and groceries.

As a self-employed person for almost a couple of decades now, the temptation presented by alluring distractions has always been great. It is just soooo easy to stop to check email, check Facebook, follow a link, and before I know it, another two hours have been eaten off the clock. Of course, since my issue is "inattentiveness," I also have to be constantly on alert for simply "staring out the window" (for 45 minutes) or day dreaming.

I have already written about my "scattered work" which I call making a living... and it is really the result of deciding that it is inevitable that I am going to sidetrack... so when I do sidetrack, why not make it to something "functional" rather than something "useless?"

There is a certain irony in the fact that this blog was started as a form of "side tracking," because I felt like I'd be unable to find my ramblings about living with ADHD among the thousands of posts that make up my private personal journal. Besides... it seemed like a right thing to write this stuff "out in public," just in case someone else might see it and find it useful.

"Functional Distractions" is a system by which I give myself "permission" to get sidetracked from something that needs to be done... as long as I sidetrack into something else that needs to get done. Running a number of microbusinesses is ideal in the sense that I can switch between very different tasks-- all of which need to get done. I can write here, then go list five things on eBay, then do some photography, then do ten minutes of book keeping, and it's all "in bounds," even though I am flitting around like a hummingbird on crack.

It may not be the most efficient way to work, but it's a lot more productive-- at least for me-- than trying to focus on a single task and then zoning out permanently after 30 minutes.

"Cyclical" ADHD?

Sometimes I can't help but think that this ADHD thing is "cyclical" to some degree.

There are weeks/months when it seems like I am barely affected at all, and then there are weeks/months where it is all but impossible for me to focus on anything, even for a few minutes. It makes me wonder how the human "natural cycles" plays into the condition.

Haven't really found much discussion or documentation about this aspect of ADHD.

Of course, just because something hasn't been "discussed" doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Then again, it's entirely possible that there's no connection and "it's all in my head." Or it could just be a reflection of my natural tendency to "think too much."

Still... when I look back at my years in school, there were also periods back then when I was clearly bale to stay more focused and get my studies done. And yes, I am pretty sure I am not Bipolar.

It's all a learning process, I suppose. Being aware of the "cycles," and the fact that my ability to stay focused moves in cycles... teaches me that I must make efforts to "make the most" of periods where I am able to concentrate.

ADHD vs. ADD: A Matter of Semantics?

For as long as I have been aware that the "situation" applied to me, I have been using the acronym "ADD" to describe myself, because the "hyperactivity" part of ADHD has never applied to me.

I never paid that much attention (no pun intended), figuring that the whole "ADD vs. ADHD" debate was mostly an issue of semantics. Which, as it turns out, is not really true... my using "ADD" is actually outdated.

My "condition" is correctly characterized as "ADHD-- Inattentive Type," so I suppose I should start to use that term, to avoid ambiguity. The term actually annoys me a little bit because I always feel compelled to add "but the 'H' part does not apply to me."

Which, in turn, makes me think about how we often end up with major differences between the "clinical definition" of something, and the "public interpretation" of the same thing. When you tell someone you're afflicted with ADHD, they've already jumped to the conclusion that you were "that unruly kid bouncing around the back of the classroom."

I already know about this situation because I am also an "HSP" or "Highly Sensitive Person" (Dr. Elaine N. Aron, 1996). Whereas this refers to sensory-processing sensitivity and a heightened awareness of sensory inputs, most people "assume" that sensitivity means you get your feelings hurt really easily... which is completely wrong. And so, telling anyone you're an HSP inevitably includes a long ramble to explain what the acronym really means.

Interestingly enough, there are a number of similarities between how being an HSP and an how ADHD-Inattentive manifest. I should probably write about that, some day.

Anyway... I guess I should start using the "correct" terminology, around here.

Finding Your Passion... when you can't Stay Focused

I suppose it's part of human nature to want to work with something you feel passionate about.

There are lots of different definitions as to what it "means" to be passionate about something... many of which seem to revolve around some version of being "almost obsessed" with what you're doing, and it "never feels like work."

Maybe part of the "problem" here is that people experience "passion" in different ways... and our society has a narrower definition of what passionate is supposed to "look like."

So what's my point? When you tend to "zone out" and "drift off" as I do... it's difficult for others to accept that I am actually "passionate" about what I am doing. Even so, people see my difficulties with staying focused end engaged in what I am doing and then spout "helpful advice" and platitudes like "You just have to find your passion! Someday something will come along and you'll just know it and want to do nothing else!"

To be honest... I feel that way about my writing. And I feel that way about my collectibles business. And I feel that way about helping people. And I feel that way about my beach combing gig. You can go see the "My ADD-ish Work" page for details.

But I'm not focused (aka "passionate") about just one single thing.

What also needs to be pointed out-- which is a product of the "slow cognition" and "low energy nature" of many with inattentive ADD-- is that I am perfectly "capable" of "zoning out" and "going to sleep" on even the things in life I am most passionate about. That doesn't mean I am not passionate about them! I just means I can't hold a fucking train of thought for three minutes!

Sorry, I slipped out of the "G" rating there, for a moment...

Perhaps the real issue here is that people put too much emphasis on appearances. Being passionate about something is supposed to "look" a certain way; to manifest outwardly, in a certain way. But a true passion isn't really about what "others" see... but about what YOU feel. And when you have trouble staying focused for any length of time... you can be as passionate as all get-out, and still not have the near compulsive looking drive non-ADD people manifest outwardly.

And in response-- as a bit of a postscript, really-- to those who think I need to "find a passion," I'd like to pass along the observation (based on 50 years of life) that even if the most interesting thing on the planet is passing before my face, the possibility still exists that I'll go "oh shiny" about something else... or simply "zone out" to another place. That just seems to be part of "the nature of the beast."

ADD Issues: Getting Defensive about Organization

Sometimes I get a little defensive about my "need" to be very organized.

On occasion, I've even been told that my "systems" border on the OCD-ish. I'll be the first to admit that I probably spend more time "organizing" than the average person. But do I really need to "lighten up" and "stop keeping all those lists" and "just let things unfold... you know, like NORMAL people do?"

To be honest, I get a little defensive, when I hear things like that.

For one, I followed the strategy of "normal people" for years and years... and found my life to be an eternal state of chaos in which things that "needed to be done" never got done and "unimportant things" would get done. It really didn't serve me very well.

About the same time I started using the expression "my train of thought has left the station... but I am still standing here on the platform," I came to the conclusion that the only way for me to be at least marginally functional in life would be to always "write it down" as soon as "it" occurred to me. Back then, I always carried a dayplanner around, and I bought extra "blank paper" pages for my endless lists of "stuff."

Truth be know, I did get more functionally effective at dealing with life. It no longer mattered whether or no my train of thought had "left" because I always "took a picture" of it, before it could leave me.

And people in the business world got very impressed with my ability to "remember" birthdays, anniversaries and other stuff... and that served me well.

The point, here, is that I don't know how to be "functional" in life, if I don't keep notes and lists of everything... because I can't remember what i was thinking, three minutes after I thought it. Sure, I have tried "brain training" programs and software, but it hasn't really "helped" me... not in an "effective" sense, anyway. Even though I test in the 95th percentile in terms of cognitive skills/abilities, it doesn't really help me, in a practical sense. I can focus on a little "cognition test" for a minute, score better than 99% of the population... but then what? I move on. Doing the "brain exercises" hasn't even helped me stay "awake."

So... I NEED my "organizational systems."

If you want to call them a "crutch," I'll accept that. I'm not good with the OCD-ish thing, though. I'm not "obsessed," I'm just trying to function, in life. And I'm using whatever tools I can, to help me do that...

Inattentive ADD and Meditation-- Parallels

I have been told that many people have a "difficult time" with meditation. They find it difficult not only to sit still, but to "still the mind."

I was introduced to meditation (in the "formal" sense of the word) in the mid-1990s, as part of an enneagram and spiritual non-duality group I belonged to.

For me, the experience was never one of having "issues." Going into a meditative state seemed completely natural to me... sometimes to the point that it seemed like there wasn't any "going into" involved in the process.

I could sit still and "empty my mind" for hours and hours, without any provocation.

I never gave this much thought until the first time someone suggested that I might have ADD. As I have written before, for most of my life I never considered the possibility that ADD was an issue... because I was only familiar with the condition in the context of "distraction and manic/hyperactivity," as I'd experienced it with my ex. Sure, I had a hard time focusing... but (a) I could never relate to "bouncing off the walls" because I've always been a "low energy person" and (b) I rarely had significant issues with a "brain full of swirling thoughts"-- instead, I was just "going to sleep."

Narcolepsy was a consideration... except I didn't go to physical sleep.

But getting back to meditation... for me, it's almost a "natural state." My issue was never about how to "go into" meditation... rather it was about how to not go into meditation. My entire life has sometimes felt like a "meditative state" that I have had a difficult time "coming OUT of."

As I gain more understanding of inattentive ADD, I can see why meditation was always so easy for me... in many ways, it's "equivalent" to a meditative state...

Cleaning my Desk so I can Do my Work

It is a new month.

So often, I find myself immobilized by the fact that I don't know where to start on the eternal "pile of things" that follows me around... and so, instead of actually starting on something, I "zone out" by deciding that I "can't DO anything" until I have cleaned my desk.

Where to begin has always been an issue for me. It was an issue when I was a kid and had homework in five classes, it's an issue now that I'm an adult with multiple irons in the fire.

I was seldom overwhelmed by the actual work needed to be done for my five classes... I was overwhelmed by figuring out my order of operations.

The irony of that is that I am a really excellent organizer. If you need me to figure out your event using CPM or something else, so you can get everything done on time, and in order... I can do it. Of course, planning your event is a "theory." Figuring out how to get started on my own stuff is the reality involving where the proverbial rubber meets the road.

Much of the time-- when I feel stuck-- I "busy myself" with reorganizing all the "notes to myself" about what I need to get done in the next week, month, year.

It's difficult to simply choose one note, and start work... because what if I missed something more important, that should have been done first?

A lot of needless "wheel spinning" results.

It was my birthday, a couple of days ago. My lovely wife gave me a framed picture of her (she was out of town for the actual day), and I decided I wanted to keep it on my desk...

... which necessitated cleaning off my desk...

... which reminded me that I needed to file a bunch of stuff...

... which reminded me that I had been meaning to design a better "filing system" for certain parts of work...

... which reminded me I needed to move some "other files" from my office to combine with the "better filing system...

... which inspired me to "do it properly" rather than just toss it all in a box "for later."

All I was trying to do was put my wife's picture on my desk. Seven hours later, the photo was on my desk where I wanted it... and I had started a new filing system for my web work (which is great, btw!), a new (better) way to organize my writing ideas, a new (better!) way to keep track of "ongoing projects" for a couple of my web businesses, and my desk actually was a better work space.

However, I didn't get any actual work done.

It made me pause and ponder... and I realized just how much of my life has been spent "getting ready to work" rather than "actually working." I'm sure I have lost untold thousands of hours in that distractionary space.

For years and years, I attributed this simply to "bad time management" and "being a slacker," but the more I learn, the more it seems like a significant part can be traced to how my brain works... and how it seems so incapable of holding onto a thought. "Slackers" typically slack because they want to... for me, there's not that much of a "wanting to" element... I'd much rather be "engaged" in things, but it always feels like I am paddling upstream against a very swift current.