ADHD: Such a "Fluid" Condition

When I started exploring this weird condition with which we are afflicted — some 13 years ago — I never really realized what a very fluid situation I was dealing with.

Sure, when I was a little kid ADHD was barely a thing and was generally reserved for what you might consider disruptive boys who were eternally fidgety and unruly in class.

That was 50 years ago!

I never really fit the mold because I was more what has subsequently come to be described as the inattentive variant of ADHD. That was not part of the original diagnosis so I slipped through the cracks.

Subsequently I have looked at all the sorts of different things ranging from depression to a more modern interpretation and take on what ADHD really is and how it affects our brains.

All these years later I also realize that I was never dealing just with ADHD inattentive, but also with the touch of being on the autism spectrum, along with Cognitive Disengagement Syndrome (CDS) to some degree.

Which goes to show that much as we love our labels, because it allows us to put an easy definition to usually complex topics, there are seldom such things as one thing fits all.

Above all, the definitions tend to be extremely fluid because new information is constantly being added to the mix.

I Have Fifteen Blogs...

Simply the title of this post should say it all.

Actually, I have more than 15 blogs, but we're not going to count the ones I have declared "dormant." We're also not counting the ones I remember, but I seem unable to locate. Maybe the hosting venues died...?

We're also not counting the ones I am keeping up with (to the best of my ability) as part of my delving into decentralization and cryptocurrency. Those are actually my most active. But that's for a whole separate post, on a different day!

Maybe that all sounds crazy, but all of these blogs are somehow relevant, either to one of my businesses, or one of my hobbies or something else of importance to me.

Why start a blog, you might ask? Why NOT, I might respond...

The reason this popped up on my radar was that this morning I decided that it was time for me to formally map all my web profiles, as part of a greater attempt at "getting organized" and acting more like a Responsible Adult™. 

What we're really looking at here is a form of hyperfocus. When I decide that something is interesting, I don't get into it in a half-assed way. It gets a blog, a web site, a twitter, a Facebook page, and God knows what else. I have this feeling that "normal" people just join a Facebook group that sounds interesting, and then pretty much forget that they even joined. 

Or maybe they don't forget, because they only join one thing at a time.

Regardless of what "they" do, as I was filling in the blanks about my blogs in my newly created spreadsheet, I felt one of my old demons still lurking. By the time I got to recording the basic information of about the 8th blog... I would feel my brain starting to resist. I felt myself wanting to "stop, and do the rest later."

Which is pretty much why I ended up with 15 blogs!

Blogging is good for me, though. A blog post represents pretty much the amount of time I can concentrate on a piece of writing before I start to lose interest and my mind wanders off-focus.

And yes, I did actually force myself to finish recording the basic info for all fifteen blogs!

Islands of Reliability

I have always found change to be difficult.

For many people, it seems to be "exciting," or "challenging," or "rewarding" or something along those lines... but for me, it has never felt anything but disruptive and turbulent.

I should point out that "disruptive and turbulent" stand aside from such ideas as necessary and/or desirable.

Over the years, I have become increasingly aware that I depend on my "Islands of Reliability" — that is, being able to count on many things in my life to always remain the same — as cornerstones of being somewhat functional. 

Of course, I'm also open to the possibility that this tendency has more to do with being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) than it has to do with ADHD. There are certain ways in which this particular neurological trait doesn't "play well" with ADHD.

Explained a little differently, a tendency to flit around and look at many different things directly UPSETS the sensitive part of me that would rather have everything be the same, all the time. 

But getting back to the main event, here... 

For example, I really like to know that in the morning, I will get up and

Get the coffee going

Give the cat his morning snack.

Give the dog her morning snack.

Feed the fish.

Clean the cat box.

Unlock the front door.

Put away the clean dishes from last night.

Pour my first cup of coffee.

Turn on the lights in my office.

Take the dog out.

Empty the tray in the dehumidifyer.

Sit down and check my email.

In that order... and I often feel greatly thrown off for the entire day if somehow I am expected to have a different morning routine.

That's just a small example... I like to be able to rely on these things, as part of maintaining my sanity!

I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I needed to put it in writing. Maybe it doesn't actually mean anything, and this is just a "bookmark" I will return to, as part of a later insight.

Overwhelmed by Post-it Notes!

Sometimes, I swear I would forget my own head somewhere if I didn't keep lists and post-it notes all around me to remind myself where things are and what I was trying to do with them!

That may sound like a really good thing, but it doesn't always help as much as I'd like it to.

The thing is, sometimes I end up with so many post-it notes telling me so many different things that I'm overwhelmed simply by looking at the post-it notes, and what good does that do?

After all, the purpose of the notes was to keep me moving, and instead they are now immobilizing me!

Not so long ago, a friend pointed out that I seem to be a lot better at planning things and at actually doing them, and — while hanging my head slightly in shame — I had to admit that that was true.

On the whole I am not fond of doing, but I'm very good at planning.

I don't really enjoy doing, and for me the best part of doing is — 99% of the time — the feeling of having done; having completed.

To be honest, I'm not sure if that has anything to do with ADHD directly, or just with my particular personality.

But it's one of the many things I end up noodling in my head.

Fix the Brain or Fix the Environment?

During my usual morning "creative convolutions" (actually, while preparing breakfast), I got to thinking a bit more about how we-- as humans; as a society-- deal with those who don't fit the prescribed norm of... normal.

I should preface this by saying that I have never made any secret of the fact that I have a fairly strong dislike for pharmeceutical interventions in people's lives except when it is completely evident and clear that they are inhibited from enjoying a decent quality of life. Even then, I believe pharmaceuticals are best used to create a "bridge of sanity" we can temporarily use while we establish a new way of life that allows us to become function without meds.

Why do I feel this way?

Well, there's a long list... so I'll just stick to a couple of main points.

Here is the west, we tend to "treat" conditions rather than heal people. That is, we throw medication at symptoms to get rid of them, and then pretend that people are "well" because they are now "functional" and yet? Nothing has actually been done to assess and address the underlying causes responsible for the issue.

My biggest issue, however, is that most pharmaceuticals and other courses of treatment are are centered around a rather mechanistic paradigm of "adjusting people to suit their environment," rather than adjusting the environment to suit people.

Think about it, for a moment:

When we decide to medicate Bob, what are we really doing? It's a pretty good bet that the underlying idea is "How can be make Bob 'normal' so he can fit into society?"

Similarly, when we medicate kids with ADHD, what we are (in many-- or most-- cases) really doing is trying to "normalize" them so they will fit into a school system where they get to learn to take "standardized" tests that serve little more purpose than to churn out a bunch of trained monkeys incapable of engaging in independent critical thought. From where I am sitting... there's a disturbing element of disrespect for individuality and differences inherent within such an approach.

Naturally, there's a whole flock of doctors, psychologists and ADHD "experts" ready to crucify me for holding such beliefs... and they will viciously defend themselves.

To be honest, I can't blame doctors as they are the product of a medical and psychological establishment that teaches that "medical success" walks hand in hand with healthy patients being compliant with the defined "norms" of the moment.

It all makes me think of that rather famous quote by thinker and author Jiddu Krishnamurti:

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Isn't that what we are promoting, here? Or at least some variation thereof?

Again, don't get me wrong-- I believe medications have their place, and they can be part of the solution. But they are not THE solution. And unless I am out there endangering myself or pulling the ears off baby bunnies, am I not better off creating an environment that suits me, rather than trying to shoehorn myself into a box labeled "normal," in order to fit the environment?

Unfinished Projects and Angry Intolerance

Maybe it's just part and parcel of being human that many people walk through life with a deep rooted sense of fear and dis-ease that primarily bubbles to the surface whenever they are faced with people, ideas, concepts and situations that are "not like them."

I've spent a good 30 years in the self-development, psychology and consciousness "industries" and there often seems to be this subtle subtext of "exclusion" in many places... ostensibly created in the spirit of healing.

It's hard to explain, but I experience this in many places. People (especially "doctors") specializing in ADHD are often prejudiced against those who opt for "natural management" of their symptoms... and seem outright threatened if those choosing that natural path are actually succeeding.

In the consciousness field, there's a deep rooted suspicion of those who come "into realization" without first suffering for twenty years. They are not to be "taken seriously" because they saw fit to jump out of the "fires of pain" quickly, rather than sit and burn for decades. It's almost like there is a "nobility" in pain.

In the field of spirituality, there are prejudices against those who don't eschew all things material in the pursuit of a spiritual path. It's almost shades of the old "self-flagellation with birch branches" from times of old.

It's probably just part of being human, as I said.

What I find ironic is that most of these fields want to "welcome" you, an help you "heal," but it turns out that newcomers (or even late comers) are only truly welcome if they neatly fit into a bunch of neat and tidy boxes... or are willing to take them on.

For example, I am also a "Highly Sensitive Person" (or HSP) but in many cases I have been "rejected" because I don't fit a certain stereotypical mold... and than I have the "gall" to speak up and state that there are multiple ways sensitivities and traits can manifest.

I find this sort of baffling-- on an overall scale-- because I am failing to "get" how my mere existence can be a perceived "threat" to someone whose perception is different from mine.

I mean, if I come across someone who experiences ADHD differently from me, and manages their life differently from me... I don't experience that as any kind of threat to my belief system... if anything, I might learn something from them that can improve my own life. I don't quite understand this type of intellectual myopia.

As always, this very post is an example of how ADHD sometimes rules my life. I actually came here to write about something completely different... and got sidetracked. In fact, I was going to write on a different blog altogether-- so I have changed directions three time already. Yes, there are times when I genuinely wish I could have an idea and follow a train of thought from conceptualization to final outcome, without having to do "47 things" in between. But on the whole I do OK, and manage to fumble my way through life on my own terms.

Now, where was I?

Oh yeah... angry intolerance. I don't get it.

ADHD and Randomness in my Brain

I don't remember where or when it was that I read a blog post by someone who coined the phrase "Too Many Interests Syndrome." All I remember is that I read those words and immediately related to them.

Seems like I have always had "too many interests," but none (or very, very few) of those interests have actually been interesting enough to hold my attention for any period of time. As such, I have struggled immensely to develop any level of "expertise" at anything.

This morning I was-- as I often am-- thinking about "things to write about" while I was cooking breakfast. It's that thing I have mentioned before, that I call "Bacon Creativity."

Anyway, as I was jotting down several quite interesting and insightful ideas for articles, I got to thinking about the small ocean of loose scraps of paper floating around on my desk... all of them with various "ideas for articles" and "ideas for blog posts" and even "ideas for web sites." Most of the time, they just "sit there," and never get developed into anything.

On one hand, it makes me feel a little bit sad because there actually some very worthy ideas there. On the other hand, I feel a certain sense of peace at knowing that I did take the time to develop these ideas far enough to put them on scraps of paper... and by the mere fact that they have been written down, I gain the "therapeutic benefit" of no longer needing to store them inside my head. Because that's what happens to me, with ideas: If I don't take some kind of "action" on them, they stay inside my head, dancing around and taking up valuable space in parts of my brain I really need to use to deal with the daily business of Earning A Living™.

Somewhere in the middle of my flurry of committing ideas to scraps of paper-- while simultaneously making sure that the bacon didn't burn-- I got to think about my college daze.

In a sense, college was no different from my life now.

My ADHD was just as evident back then (early 1980s), even though I had no idea what "ADHD" was. nor that I was having any kind of "problem."

I mean, after all, I got a degree, right? And I even graduated with a 3.8 GPA. You can't "do that," if your brain is malfunctioning, right? Right?

Of course, the "dirty little secret" underlying that very fine college degree from a major university is that (a) it took me five years to graduate and I had 180+ credit hours at a school where most undergraduate degrees required 120-128 credit hours... and (b) I didn't actually decide on a final major until the beginning of the semester in which I graduated.

Yes, I just said that...

After 4 1/2 years of taking an assortment of classes that (mostly) seemed "interesting" I went to see a Degree Advisor and we plugged my completed courses into probably 50 different degree programs to eventually determine that I was closest to a degree in Finance with a minor in English... and if I took three more course, I could graduate.

So I did.

Maybe more people go through college that way than I give them credit for... but it always feel like the Degree Advisor regarded me with a mixture of amusement and the sort of fear/disdain typically reserved for lepers.

Looking back a bit further... when I was a kid, I was no good at the whole "What do you want to do when you grow up?" game. I had no idea-- there were so MANY things. 18 years later-- armed with my freshly baked college degree-- I had no more idea of "what I wanted to do when I grow up" than when I was seven.

The only things I could come up with was "something enjoyable and meaningful."

Which is about as specific as saying someone is "nice" and that you like to "have fun" in your spare time.

Now-- at 55-- I am not really any closer to having become "specific." Most of my life has actually been very UN-specific.

What I have learned in the course of those years is the the more I have placed myself in positions of "doing what society thinks people should do" the more UN-happy I have been, and the more I have "walked my own very random path" the happier I have been.

But unfortunately, there has been a rub; a conundrum: The more I have followed my own path, the poorer I have been; the more I have followed society's path, the wealthier I have been.

Which suggests to me that there must be something terribly wrong with the way we "measure people" and their successes and accomplishments... what does it truly say about our world if "doing what you love" means you get to live on food stamps and doing something you don't like earns you a McMansion and a new Mercedes? Don't we have it completely backwards?

I realize that the whole "Capitalism vs. Contentment" discussion is far beyond the scope of this article... I am mostly interested in exploring the role ADHD has played (if any?) in my pursuit of a "random" life... and the potential "price tag" associated therewith. Is ADHD even "a thing?" I am also exploring the interconnectedness of being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) with ADHD... how the HSPs tendency to process and experience deeply may be part of what leads me to eternally study and analyze myself and how I operate in the world.

What do YOU think? Leave me a comment!

Vignettes of Life Inside an ADHD Brain

So here I sit, getting ready to write something; nay, determined to write something.

What I sat down here to write... is actually about my experience of standing in the kitchen earlier, cooking breakfast. And while cooking, my brain slid into its typical "creative overdrive" and I actually "wrote" (inside my head) six full articles in the time it took to fry up some sausage for breakfast.

You see, I can never actually just sit down and write. I do all my best writing and brainstorming, while engaged in something other than writing and brainstorming.

I think scientists actually have a name for that. Non-parallel thinking? Divergent thinking?

I dunno, I have always called it "Bacon Creativity."

So here I sit, getting ready to write something... and now I notice a hair from my beard is irritating the corner of my right nostril... which reminds me that I should go trim my beard which is getting a bit shaggy.

::::::

So I abandon the writing and go off and trim my beard because... personal grooming, and shit.

But that's not the point. The reason I do it now is because I am well aware that if I stay in front of the computer long enough to write this, by the time I am done I will have forgotten all about the shaggy beard... and I will not remember again till I catch a glimpse of my reflection somewhere/sometime when I will have neither scissors nor mirror handy.

It's how my brain works. Maybe it looks chaotic, but I like to think I am working with this "thing," rather than against it.

But to get back to the start....

.... I stood in the kitchen, feverishly taking notes on small pieces of paper... writing down and outlining ideas for articles and blog posts. Even though that may sound like a distraction, dangerous or even nonsense-- it is actually a way of  making the most of my time... the ideas would be lost forever, if I didn't take time to write them down... as they happen.

That said... even as I stood there, writing down all these thoughts and feeling pretty good because they would not be lost (as they would have been in the "old days," before I gained a thorough understanding of my cognitive processes)... there was also an underlying sadness... a sadness at the knowing that even though I managed to "capture" these fleeting creative ideas, odds are the pieces of paper would never get further than to join their 100's of compadres living in a box on my desk.

And there's the rub. Sure, I have created a "system" that helps me not lose good writing (and other creative) ideas, but I almost never actually seem to have the time to sit down for a few contiguous hours to turn any one idea into an actual article.

To be honest, the fact that today is the 13th of January and I have actually managed to write and publish two complete articles during this young calendar year is a small miracle.

I have enough material to publish 500 articles in 2016.

If I didn't have to worry about "making a living," I'd probably write them. At least I like to tell myself that. Alas, I only get paid a few cents for writing... so it's unlikely that I will reach the end of 2016 with more than 10-12 articles written, and maybe 30-40 blog posts. Because I like electricity. And running water.

Actually, let's make that a small "focus experiment." I'll point back here in my 2017 New Year's post and we'll see how I did. I'll be curious to see if my prediction holds.

See how I just "digressed" again? I think the phrase-- often used by writers-- "But I digress" was coined by someone with chronic ADHD.

Of course, writing these  words was a sidetrack, in and of itself. Now I need to do some actual work...

Another Year... Filled With Distractions?

It's a fresh new year.

I have always tended to spend the first couple of weeks of any new year "taking inventory" of where I am in life and writing myself a series of "status updates." I suppose it is what I do, in lieu of focusing on so-called New Year's Resolutions.

There is something comforting (at least to me) about looking at "what was" and "what is" and examining "How I Am Doing."

I ponder the process and realize that the "comfort" I get from it comes in part from having this little island of "known" in my life... and because it allows me to give myself an occasional "cookie" for having done something pretty well in such a way that my eternal tendency to get distracted didn't completely derail some plan or project I was trying to work through.

Somebody-- who may or may not have been wise-- once said that our tendency to get distracted from our Present as much as anything is the result of not particularly liking that Present. It's more pleasant to go into some distraction from that Present so that's what we do. This would apply to all people, not just those of us living with ADHD.

Of course, the implication there is that we are unhappy with our "Present."

I have sat with that conundrum a number of times, because I definitely like my Present-- getting back to "taking inventory--" and am pretty happy about the life I have managed to create for myself.

But on deeper reflection, there are flies in the proverbial ointment.

Even though I totally like my present... hereunder the odd way I have managed to create multiple micro-businesses that earn income... my "dirty little secret" is that I don't like the way it feels like a draining, 24/7, balls-to-the-wall effort to do enough with those things (which I enjoy) that they can afford our household even the most basic of livings. Feeling like you have to constantly "be working," simply to live "from shut-off notice to shut-off notice" (the self-employed version of "paycheck-to-paycheck") is extraordinarily draining.

And for someone with ADHD... the temptation to UN-focus, and not merely do the human thing of tuning out the difficulties of the Present, but fall prey to ADHD distraction is huge. Almost insurmountable.

Of course, I may simply have unrealistic expectations about "what it takes" to make it, in life. Seems like half the world is struggling to make ends meet.

So anyway, in the process of taking inventory and looking at what 2016 might hold-- what I would like it to hold-- it would seem like I have done a pretty fair job of creating "systems" to help me be as efficient as possible while switching between tasks. Now the challenge just becomes about efficiency, or how to put in about the same amount of time and effort, to come out with an increase in revenues and income.

I'll have to get back with you on how that turns out!

Inattentive ADHD and "The Laziness Issue"

When I was in grade school, I was "pursued" by the words "Peter is a bright student, but he would do much better if only he applied himself."

I suppose there was a superficial truth to this. I was never a trouble maker, nor was I ever "that fidgety kid always bouncing off the walls." But I did frequently "drift off" during class, and I had a hell of a time concentrating on anything without "going to sleep."

At a different point in my young life I replied to my mother's lament about why I couldn't keep my room tidy with the words "Because I am basically a lazy person."

My mother scoffed and sternly told me "Nonsense! There are no lazy people in OUR family!!"

To those who live with the Inattentive version of ADHD, these anecdotes probably have a ring of familiarity to them.

For most of my adult life, I have contemplated "the laziness issue."

I have never been a very active person. That is to say, I have never been a "high energy" person. Don't get me wrong, when I was in my 20's I ran half-marathons and was extremely fit. At 55, I still go on 15-mile beach combing trips that last eight hours or more. But I do so slowly and methodically, not "energetically."

Maybe that seems paradoxical... but I would arrive at running events yawning and feeling sluggish-- then I'd "run like hell"-- and then I'd feel sluggish again. These days, I can be walking and be close to "asleep" at the same time.

The thing that continues to puzzle me is trying to figure out to what degree brain chemistry ("ADHD") lies behind feeling this way, and to what degree I am simply a "low impact" person, from nature's side.

If I am understanding this "condition" correctly, brain chemistry accounts for the part that makes it super hard for me to concentrate, and possibly for the part that makes me want to go to sleep-- at least if you also factor in the possibility of SCT.

However... I have never had much ambition. I have never really felt much drive to "go places" and "do things" with my life. Mostly, I've just wanted to be left alone and my "ambition" has historically amounted to precisely enough "drive" to support that desire without imposing myself on others.

At the risk of coming across as conceited and self-important, I am really good at a lot of different things, ranging from research psychology to business management to writing. I am highly educated-- both in the academic sense, as well as in the practical/experiential sense-- and have been offered a variety of "excellent opportunities" over the years. But I generally "just don't give a shit" and I am also UN-motivated by not wanting to work that hard.

An assortment of "Success Coaches" and "Life Purpose Experts" have insisted that I "just haven't found what I am passionate about, yet." Now in my mid-50's, I remain open to that as "truth" of some sort... but I am also skeptical. I'm not motivated by money, success, fame, wealth, popularity, power or any of those metrics humanity uses to "rank" itself. When I am completely honest with myself, I feel motivated by the opportunity to sit still and watch a blade of grass grow. Sincerely? If someone would pay me $20 an hour to sit and stare into space for 10 hours a day, I'd be delighted.

Not kidding.

On the surface, that may "sound delightful," to some people-- but once they've contemplated the deeper implications-- the idea of "being alone with yourself and your thoughts for ten hours a day" is terrifying. For me, it's sounds like something akin to Nirvana.

"You're just lying to yourself!" I've been told, a million times.

No. Not really.

But I digress... the point here is that I am trying to identify the exact intersection of Inattentive ADHD-- which I acknowledge is definitely "an issue" in my life-- and a natural inclination towards preferring to be a "stationary object."

It leads me to pondering whether I would come across as more active (or "less lazy") if I didn't live in the eternal brain fogs of LaLa Land, 24/7? Would I be more "ambitious" and inclined to "do things" if those didn't always feel like SO MUCH WORK!!??!! (Yes, I "shouted" those words...)

I don't really like "work."

It's a more complex issue than immediately meets the eye... since I am also an HSP, some of my reticence can be attributed to avoiding getting "overstimulated" by (what feels like) excessive input from my environment. But that's more of a "complication" than an underlying reason.

Last but not least... philosophically-- and politically/socially-- speaking, I lean towards a paradigm centered around "enough," rather than the greater cultural norm of "more." I have a strong (almost pathological) dislike of large organizations who rape the globe and its inhabitants in the name of "profit," as well as individuals who measure their "worth" in terms of material accumulation and power over others... rooted in the fear that they will not have "enough" no matter HOW much they have. So "activity" due to a compulsion to achieve things is not really relevant to me.

I mention this because it has nothing to do with neurochemistry.

As I keep making these verbal explorations, I feel like I am getting closer to some kind of truth... or "insight." Why do I care? Because it feels like "knowing" would offer me a measure of inner peace. And that does matter to me!

Then again, it's entirely possible that I just "think too much."

ADHD... and Sluggish Cognitive Tempo

In recent months, I have increasingly been considering the issue of "Sluggish Cognitive Tempo" as it relates to my life, and as it relates (or not) to the "Inattentive" variant of ADHD.

Feeling like I am a "slow thinker" has plagued me since I was quite young. I use the word "plagued" because my world changed around age nine when psych evaluations and IQ tests revealed that a seemingly "slow and dreamy" kid turned out to have an IQ in the 157-163 range... by most measures considered "genuis" level.

Science isn't quite sure where SCT "fits," as of now. The medical field leanings are that it is a separate "concentration deficit disorder."

For me, it makes sense... from the "sleepiness" and "brain fog" perspective I have experienced since I was quite small. And continue to experience, as an adult. As I have written many times here, I was never HYPERactive... if anything, I was HYPOactive... which is a core characteristic of SCT.

And it certainly helps explain the slowness vs. intelligence factor. I can manage and solve incredibly complex "systems thinking" problems, but only IF there is no time pressure.

In my case, the "brain soup" is further complicated by the fact that I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), which means factors like "easily overstimulated" and "immobilized by stressful situations" also become relevant.

What originally led me to looking at SCT was researching my strange "reflexes" and slow cognitive reactions.

Put in very ordinary terms... I arrive at a 4-stop intersection, and the part of "reaction time" that concerns itself with "seeing the scene" is super fast in me. However, the part of "reaction time" that concerns itself with "interpreting" what I am seeing (OK, this is a 4-way intersection. OK, no cars are coming. No cars means I can go. OK, go.) is extraordinarily slow (lowest 5%) in me.

That doesn't really "fit" any of the ADHD criteria... it's "something else." But I am not-- to use a blunt and socially incorrect word-- "stupid,"

These are just lines of thinking I am exploring,.. more to come.

Focusing... by UN-focusing

Sometimes, the only way I can hope to stay focused is by remaining UN-focused.

I have a really busy day ahead of me-- there is basically "too much stuff" that needs to be done today, and getting it all done will require a lot of focus.

When you live with ADHD Inattentive, a funny thing happens. Well... at least a funny thing happens to me. When I start really concentrating on something, I can feel my brain start to shut down, within about 5-10 minutes... instead of getting a neurotransmitter "boost" to help me get a lot done, my brain gets the "message" that I clearly haven't slept in five days, and I should take a nap... immediately.

As the outcome of a lot of experimentation over the past 20 years, I have managed to build a semi-functional life around the process of "chunking small." It's not exactly the same interpretation as that term as used in NLP, but it basically means that if I make the discrete tasks I attempt small enough, I can "fool" my brain by being finished with any given task that needs doing, before I get chemical messages to go to sleep.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I also openly allow "distractions" and-- in fact-- try to work with them to my benefit, rather than making them "bad" and trying to resist them.

For example, looking at today's work load... I can't possibly hope to "list 88 items on eBay," but I might just be able to "list ONE item on eBay," 88 times. Maybe that sounds like the same thing, but I can assure you it is not, when you live inside this body and brain. In the pursuit of today's work, it is also likely that I will "allow" myself to sidetrack, at least 40-50 times... for a minute or two, segueing into some other very small task.

To many an outsider, this probably all sounds like an excuse to put a fancy label on simple procrastination. So be it. Maybe procrastination is the "ugly stepchild" (of sorts) of ADHD.

I am less concerned with "labels" than I am with functional living. And in my world, that means non-pharmaceutical functional living.

I have learned to work with "distractions" as part of a functional routine. I even wrote this article (hand written, on bits of paper) while standing in the kitchen, feeding the dog her breakfast and waiting for my toast to finish toasting. It "works" because it allows my brain to "roam" and stay unfocused, which means I can avoid the dreaded "brain sleep" that invariably seems to accompany any attempts I make to concentrate and focus on something.

Which leaves the question of what I can find to distract myself with, while typing out these words for publication. These words, which started as a "distraction" from something else I was thinking about doing...

Feeling My Brain Shut Down...

Ironically, I came here to write this post as a "sidetrack" to doing something else I was trying to concentrate on.

For some time, I have been wanting to write about the strange ways I sometimes "experience" my own brain chemistry in action. And then I found myself needing to concentrate on the tedium of processing a bunch of images for eBay items... and I could-- quite literally-- sense my brain chemistry starting to "do" things to interrupt my attempt to get some work done.

Perhaps much of this doesn't make any sense. After, what possible functional reason (from nature's side) could my brain have for wanting me to shut down?

And frankly? It sounds like so much mumbo-jumbo I wouldn't believe myself, were it not for many years spent learning a meditation and mindfulness practice... if I weren't able to sit back and "observe myself" when my moods and activity levels are in the process of changing, I also wouldn't be able to write these words.

So anyway...

I am sitting there getting ready to repeat the same PhotoShop procedure on some hundreds of photos, and I am well tuned in to the reality that "I need to just knock these out." And all is well, inside my head. And all is well, as I fly through the first ten minutes, or so.

And then "it" happens. This "thing" I have battled all my life.

I am now 15 minutes into the process... and it suddenly feels like I have not slept in six days! You know that feeling of having pulled four all-nighters in a row, while living on fast food and two hours of sleep a night? Yeah, that. I'm not "bored." I'm not "distracted." I just want to sleep. NOW!

In the space of about 5-10 minutes, I go from feeling fine, alert and ambitious to... well, I virtually couldn't keep my eyes open to save my life.

Now, I should add that I had a good night's sleep, and have felt rested and alert all day-- it is now close to 1:30pm. I didn't come to this process with "residual sleepiness" or fatigue that was just waiting to happen. I also do not suffer from narcolepsy-- I've already covered that ground many times.

This is something I will continue to study... but if you can relate, do let me hear from you-- leave a comment!

Being a Highly Sensitive Person, ADHD and Managing Overwhelm

This morning-- as has happened untold hundreds of times in my life-- I spent about an hour going through the process of "cleaning my desk so I can do my work." It is something I usually feel compelled to do whenever I have an exceptionally large volume of work I feel like I "need to get done," and I have reached a point of feeling so overwhelmed that I become immobilized by the prospect of even figuring out "where to start."

Even writing these words became part of my "cloud of overwhelm," even though I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to convey, when I walked into my office. But it was not as simple as that, because once I'd organized my desk and was ready to write, I ended up feeling like I had to "sub-organize" the section of my desk where I keep my folders with scraps of paper on which I have jotted down "writing ideas." After all, there might be some "HSP-with-ADHD" type ideas in there that I might be able to use.

It briefly reminded me of a remark HSP therapist and expert Ane Axford once made about being an HSP: "Even my to-do list has to-do lists!"

But wait! There's more! While I was organizing dozens of little slips of paper and interpreting my scribbles from the past 60-days or so, my nose started itching. So I needed to find out what that was about. As it turned out, a "wild" hair from my mustache was poking the bottom edge of one nostril. So I trimmed it off. But then I noticed that my beard was starting to look a little too shaggy, and since I was "there" with sharp scissors, I might as well give myself a trim... because "it needed to be done," right?

At 8:38, I arrived at my desk with a cup of coffee and a clear idea for what I wanted to write, today. At 9:52, I am actually typing these words. One hour and fourteen minutes more or less "up in smoke." Ironically, my present life just "effectively" reflected the root "idea" of what I wanted to write about.

I am a Highly Sensitive Person (or HSP, for short) with ADHD.

After some 17 years of "studying the problem," I have become well aware that "being an HSP" and "living with ADHD" are two very different things.

Sure, the two "interact" and "talk to each other" but their relationship is non-causal. That is, being an HSP is not the cause of my ADHD, and living with ADHD did not "make me" an HSP. It's important to keep that very clearly in mind. At the same time, it is also important to understand how the two interact.

As a point of disclosure-- because some people may be reading this blog for the first time-- I will also point out that my "issue" is the "inattentive" form of ADHD. Thus, I can't experientially speak exactly to how HSPs with the more common (or "traditional") "hyperactive-impulsive" variant of ADHD experience life... although I am well familiar with many aspects of it as my wife is an HSP with hyperactive-impulsive ADHD.

OK, so that gets all the technical and disclosure stuff out of the way.

So how does the HSP experience of ADHD differ from the rest of the world's? My experience suggests that we are more likely to experience the effects of "all this stuff we get involved in" as overstimulating, in addition to simply feeling a crazy pinball machine of "stuff."

The HSP part of the equation "speaks" in the sense that it amplifies my experience of my own scatteredness. One of the core precepts of being Highly Sensitive is experiencing life more intensely... and those HSPs afflicted with ADHD consequently experience the effects of the condition more intensely.

I have long struggled to describe how that feels. Most HSPs-- when they struggle to manage overstimulation-- tend to be dealing with "externals:" loud people, bright lights, too many demands, environmental noise. For me, sometimes quite often the source of my overstimulation comes from my own "inner processes," rather than external stimuli. This morning, I found myself being overstimulated by my own thoughts, rather than by what I actually ("functionally") need to get done today (which is relatively manageable).

On a more practical level, HSPs often benefit from striving for relative simplicity in their lives as a way to keep their stimulation levels optimal... when you live with ADHD, one of the typical effects is the ability to "complexify" everything. "Watering the garden," isn't just about turning on the hose, but becomes an odyssey of 47 distractions and "things that ALSO need to be done." In a sense, the ADHD provides a constant stream of "stimulants" that are all but impossible to turn off.

Even as I write this article, I have experienced that "effect." What was intended to be a brief 300-word commentary about being an HSP and getting overstimulated by ADHD-generated thoughts has turned into a full-blown 1500-word article because "I might as well" add this-and-that, and add hither-and-yon to provide a more useful learning experience for readers.

So what can an HSP with ADHD effectively do to manage the swirling thoughts that lead to "self-generated overstimulation?"

On the whole, the only thing I have found even mildly effective is organization. Specifically, I have learned to "live by" a system of "writing myself notes" about everything I need to do, and every thought that's worthy of later exploration.

How does that "work?" When I sit in a cloud of overwhelming swirling thoughts, it helps me to "catch" a thought and put it briefly on paper-- just 10-15 words. It means I can "remove" it from the swirling cloud. Then I do that... maybe 20-30 times, maybe more. All of a sudden... this abstract cloud of ideas and thoughts have become... a gentle breeze. The thoughts are no longer "bouncing around" inside my head... they have been "transferred" to a neat little pile of notes on my desk... and my head is (more or less) clear to focus on what I really need to do. Any thoughts of "OMG! I lost a valuable idea!" are non-existent, because I recorded all those thoughts. They are NOT lost! They are right here.

As a metaphor, think of it as using your computer and "bookmarking" the 47 interesting web sites you found for "later" rather than trying to keep 47 tabs/windows open, all at once. Your swirling thoughts are "the Internet." You can't keep it all open, all the time... and expect to not cave in under the load.

Last but not least, rather than being an elaborate form of procrastination, the "cleaning my desk" process serves a practical function... it "simplifies" the cloud of swirling thoughts inside my head, and reduces it to neat stacks of papers I can actually visualize, and then deal with in a systematic manner. I may just have "given up" an hour and fourteen minutes... but that effectively will "save me" from having a day on which I actually "lose" six hours of work time to feeling overwhelmed and spinning out of control while being utterly non-productive. Continuing the Internet bookmarking metaphor, think of it as sorting your bookmarks and deleting some it turned out weren't that interesting... or you actually no longer actually need.

There's no doubt that being a Highly Sensitive Person and living with ADHD presents unique challenges... aside from using "tools and tricks" to cope, the best thing you can do for yourself is learn as much as you can, and become familiar with how the two interact... in your life.

Thanks for reading!

Too much... for ANYone

There is little doubt that part of what makes life difficult to navigate is a lack of focus. On the other hand, I sometimes think of this as "too many interests syndrome," since we live in an age of syndromes.

Earlier today, I was sitting here contemplating a number of ideas and projects I currently have "in the works," and it occurred to me that even if I could focus well the amount of work-- call it "person hours," if you will-- involved in carrying all these out would require a full-time staff of six people... and certainly not the unfocused efforts of one person!

What made me think about this is the way I often feel "overwhelmed" by what is in front of me, and then start browbeating myself for not keeping up with everything. But looking at the situations more objectively made me realize that I have every reason to "not keep up" because it's simply not humanly possible. I'm overwhelmed because there simply is "too much" on my plate.

The purpose of these words is primarily to serve as a reminder that sometimes we tend to "place the blame" in the wrong place. In this case... blaming myself for not being able to do 60 hours' worth of work in a 24-hour period.

Yup. Do the math. It doesn't compute.

ADHD Issues: When "Future Stuff" Gets in the Way

Yesterday I woke up with a great determination to "get a lot of stuff done." I even felt like I was in the right frame of mind-- which seems to directly impact my productivity-- to "get a lot of stuff done."

Fine. Sounds like a really good plan!

I got myself all ready and fired up to have a super productive day... and then I remembered: A 3 o'clock doctor's appointment.

Day completely ruined.

Now, let's keep in mind that I was having this realization at 8:30 in the morning, long before needing to get ready for the appointment. I had five hours of time.

And yet? I found myself feeling capsized and helpless... the "distraction" of knowing that I would need to break my "precious" focus in mid-stream keeping me from even getting started on doing anything productive. On top of that sense of helplessness, there was the attendant layer of frustration at not being able to "cope with life."

I suppose such an "event" would be a small thing for most people. For me, it felt like an entire day was wasted because I "had plans" and had forgotten to include them in planning my day. Truth is, I could have done a lot with 5 hours of work time, but I found myself losing all interest.

This also made me sit and think about how often it is "small things" in my life that keep me from being able to maintain focus. Knowing that "the dog needs to be fed" an hour from now makes it extremely hard for me to focus on the task at hand. I am far better off getting up and feeding the dog now, so it's not a "loose thought" tumbling around inside my head.

And that's part of a bigger issue... the eternal "clearing of space" so that I can get to a point of just focusing on what really matters. Why is it an "issue?" Well, because I tend to use up ALL my time on "clearing space" so I never have any time (or energy) left over to do whatever thing was actually most important.

ADHD, Discernment and Prioritizing

Over the years, I have learned to use a series of "coping tools" in lieu of letting myself get "drugged into oblivion."

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against "better living through pharmaceuticals," but I prefer to limit such things to blood pressure meds and the like.

When I sit inside my personal experience with ADHD (and also draw on experiences and anecdotes others have shared), it has always struck me that there is always so much on our plates; so many things clamoring for our attention.

This morning I reflected on "all the things" I need to get done this week, and it occurred to me that one of the defining characteristics of ADHD-- at least for me and for a lot of people-- seems to be a difficulty practicing discernment. It's not really a case of me having "more things" I need to get done, but a case of me having great difficulty prioritizing those things appropriately. That is, all the things that come up feel "equally important," and then I get stuck while contemplating where to begin.

I get the distinct impression that the majority of the world has just as many things they need to get done as I do, but they have a much better ability to look at something, declare it "not important," and then move on with what matters most. I find it quite difficult to "rank" things. And sometimes I rank them "poorly," assigning excess importance to "busy work" that will make it easier for me to deal with the most important things. Which, in turn, leaves those "most important things" UN-done, often causing me all manners of headaches.

Even as I make my way through the day, using my system of "task notes," I find it a struggle to decide which things are most important... and I often end up in a pattern of "cleaning my desk so I can do my work" when I really should just launch directly into "doing my work."

It's all a learning process... but sometimes it feels like I am moving desperately slowly.

ADHD "Management" in Action

This morning, I decided I was going to make breakfast. Specifically, I chose to make a large batch of breakfast crepes. If you're not familiar with making these, the important gist (or "salient point") of this story is that mixing ingredients for the batter is pretty quick and simple... and then you are "stuck there," flipping crepes, for about an hour.

Of course, when you have ADHD of any kind, your mind tends to be going a million miles an hour, while traveling all over creation. Even though my "form" of ADHD is the "inattentive" variant... I'm no exception. Flipping crepes for an hour feels like a "trap," yet I have little choice but to "stay there," if I actually want the food. The upside is that minding a skillet on the stove might require some concentration, but is otherwise a pretty mindless sort of thing.

The long and the short of it is that my hour turned into a creative writing exercise, using one of my "tools" that has become an effective part of my ADHD management skills.

In addition to having my pan and my plates and my spatula... I also grabbed a stack of small sheets of notepaper and a pen... and started cooking.

By the time the crepes were finished, I had also outlined-- in pen, on individual sheets of paper-- 11 different articles and blog posts, the last one of which was a sketchy note to myself to put this blog post here, as an illustration of how to "use" the condition to our advantage, rather than trying to "fight" it.

I know-- from many years of experience-- that I can't hope to focus on a mindless task for more than a few minutes. I have found that if I "expand" such a task by adding a very specific "secondary goal" to work on, I can actually become very productive. As such, I have trained myself to cash in on some of me best "thinking time" while being engaged in "non-thinking" tasks-- like mowing the lawn, certain kinds of cooking. I also know from experience that if I don't have such a "specified secondary task" my mind will roam in a totally unstructured fashion, and I will get nothing done. In the case of this morning's crepe cookery, I would probably have burned a few of them because I would have flitted off to some other, unrelated, task... and lost track of time. However, I knew that being able to write on bits of paper right next to my "primary objective" would allow me to stay on task. I also knew that "jotting an idea" would be short enough to keep me from burning food.

So not only did I come away with something yummy to eat, I came away a "quieter mind" because I'd actually "emptied" my head while I was cooking... at least temporarily. And so, I could enjoy a peaceful breakfast... without obsessively "trying to remember all those ideas I had while cooking." Which is pretty much how much of my life used to be, even just 10 years ago.

"Systems" are good, BUT...

Over the past few years, I have created myself a bunch of "systems" that seem to help me focus more and basically live as a somewhat "functioning human being."

That's of course a "good thing," on the greater scale of things, and I recognize that I have put so much effort into it because I really do not want to become "one of those people" who ends up living their lives functionally only as a result of taking a giant handful of medications and supplements every day. It's bad enough that I've had to accept that I will probably be taking blood pressure meds, for the remainder of my days. I am not sure why-- although my mother being a functional alcoholic might be partially to blame-- but I have always viewed the need for "chemical help" with considerable suspicion and loathing.

Part of that suspicion is also related to my general belief that our society tends to excessively "medicalize" perfectly normal parts of the spectrum of human experience.

"Oooh! He FELT something! Give him a pill..."

I really hate that crap. It's a cop-out, in my opinion. Now, I'm not suggesting that there aren't people who genuinely need medication to function, but I am saying that we tend to just "throw medicine at problems" rather than trying to actually discover and isolate their root causes... and then promote actual healing, rather than ongoing "treatment."

But I'm digressing. Because that's what I do, as a person with ADHD.

The point here was that I have created myself a bunch of "operating systems" (lists, timers, etc.) by which I stay some semblance of functional. However... as effective as those may be in keeping me on an even keel, I sometimes find myself wondering if the 30-45 minutes I now spend every morning "setting up for the day" are really worth it. Has the "system" I've created become more of an encumbrance (and a time-waster) than a help?

Ultimately, I don't think so. I feel helped by my increasingly spotless home office and my system of notes and schedules, and that bears out... in terms of what I can look at and say "I actually accomplished that" at the end of the day. However, it's important that I remain mindful of my tendency to eternally "fine tune" and create "subsystems of subsystems" when all that's really needed is an overall framework.

Mindfulness is essential, when you live with ADHD... because there are "tempting distractions" around every corner; even those "corners" actively designed to help.

ADHD Musings: The Thing About Deadlines

One of the things I have long realized about myself is that I work best "to deadlines."

To explain that a bit further, what I am really saying here is that if there is not a "looming deadline," odds are that I will not get anything done, at all.

Take this week, for example. I know that I wanted to get a large number of new auctions listed on eBay by this coming Sunday, as part of giving my rare stamp business a boost. Now, creating 150-odd listings on eBay is pretty time consuming... especially with merchandise like rare old postage stamps: They have to be "selected," then "scanned," then the images have to be "formatted and color corrected," then the description for each has to be individually written and uploaded to the staging area. All in all, it's a LOT of work.

So I say to myself-- probably two weeks ahead of the "launch date"-- that if I just get a little bit done every day, then the whole thing won't creep up on me and be a giant stressful mess at the very end. Because "giant stressful mess at the the very end" is how I tend to work.

And so, here we are, on Friday, with three days remaining before I had planned to get these sales made public. And where am I?

Even though I know that getting this done is essential... and that being able to pay our bills this month depends on these sales... I really have not been able to motivate myself to do much work on getting the auctions ready. Sure, I have sat down to "get started" a number of times, and I have "dabbled a little," but in about 75% of my available work time, I have managed to get about (maybe!) 10% of the overall workload taken care of.

This has been a pervasive pattern in all aspects of my life, since being a teenager who never could "get around to" homework until an hour before it was due. Of course, I have always been able to "excuse myself" by stating (quite truthfully, I might add) that "I am brilliant under pressure," and I always DO tend to get these things done. But not without a horrible last-minute "death march" to get there. And 90% of the time? The results are usually stellar... better than most people's, even if they worked tirelessly on the same thing for three weeks.

Maybe this doesn't have anything to do with being ADHD, at all. Maybe it's about "work styles." That is not really clear to me. "Distraction" definitely plays into the mix... distractions seem so much more appealing, when there is plenty of time. Unless I feel the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head, I am not given to "doing what must be done." Character flaw? Work habits? Inherent laziness? Aspects of ADHD?

And it's not that I am not aware of the "passing of time." In fact, I regularly "count down" how much time I have left, to do the remaining work... I know exactly how many days and hours remain. But unless there is "severe pressure to perform" being brought to bear, I don't feel inclined to move.

This is not a good thing... as I have recently been diagnosed with severe hypertension, and I am becoming more aware of things I do that are constitute underlying stress patterns. These "last minute rushes" to do the essential things of life are extremely stressful.

Somehow, I need to overcome my habits... and reduce stress. So here I am, writing a blog post instead of working on my eBay stuff. Because I still have "plenty of time."

Ironic, no?