Too much... for ANYone

There is little doubt that part of what makes life difficult to navigate is a lack of focus. On the other hand, I sometimes think of this as "too many interests syndrome," since we live in an age of syndromes.

Earlier today, I was sitting here contemplating a number of ideas and projects I currently have "in the works," and it occurred to me that even if I could focus well the amount of work-- call it "person hours," if you will-- involved in carrying all these out would require a full-time staff of six people... and certainly not the unfocused efforts of one person!

What made me think about this is the way I often feel "overwhelmed" by what is in front of me, and then start browbeating myself for not keeping up with everything. But looking at the situations more objectively made me realize that I have every reason to "not keep up" because it's simply not humanly possible. I'm overwhelmed because there simply is "too much" on my plate.

The purpose of these words is primarily to serve as a reminder that sometimes we tend to "place the blame" in the wrong place. In this case... blaming myself for not being able to do 60 hours' worth of work in a 24-hour period.

Yup. Do the math. It doesn't compute.

ADD and Thinking Things Through Before you Act

Sometimes I sit here and simply contemplate the deeper nature of "scatteredness."

How do I become so scattered? What is the mechanism that leads to hundreds of "started by unfinished" projects, by the end of the day? What is the "trigger" that causes me to abandon something I really need to get done, so I can "mess around" with some idea that has no current bearing on what is important?

From time to time, I talk about "Too Many Interests Syndrome." Of course, that's basically an excuse; a rationalization. Sure, I have more interests than most people... and lots of random things I see seem "interesting," but that's not the core issue. LOTS of people experience that. This is a "management" issue.

I used to think that my scatteredness was a result of "feeling resentful" of "having to DO things." I did years of psychoanalysis, chasing my own tail... thinking about being "resentful" of having been raised in a family od "doers" who (in essence) saw my value as tied directly to what I could DO, rather than who I could BE. I was only "seen" (and loved, I felt) for what I could DO for my parents, and so I ended up connecting "feeling loved" with my own ability to do things... even though I actually prefer not to be engaged in constant activity.

By extension, it placed me close to a frame of mind of resentment. A sort of digging in my heels when I reached the "freedom of adulthood" and could make my own choices... every time life gave me something I "had to" do I would space out as a passive aggressive "rebellion" against always having been told what to DO in my life. Of course, usually to my detriment.

But all that psychobabble was really a dead end. Back when I was in therapy, "ADD/ADHD" was exclusively focused on "that hyperactive kid bouncing off the walls, unable to focus and making trouble." And that was never me.

My "issue" was always getting me to move, at all. I'm only half kidding when I say "I have almost never met an idea that could inspire me to actually want to put forth any concentrated effort." Which is not to say that I lack enthusiasm about ideas... just that I invariably end up "dabbling a bit" and then zoning out or "falling asleep to myself."

But let's get back to the "mechanism of scatteredness."

The word I keep coming back to is "obligation." I have a nasty "allergy" to the idea of feeling obligated. The instant something I'm engaged in starts to feel like "an obligation" (like my self-imposed timetable that my eBay auction lots MUST be ready by 7:00pm on Sunday evening) I feel my ability to concentrate go right out the window. It literally feels like the cells in my brain responsible for "focus" commit suicide by jumping out of my ears.

When I am engaged in doing "Thing X" as nothing more than an "exploration" with "no purpose" and "no deadline" and "no expected outcome" I am actually very productive and focused. I can get an amazing amount of stuff done in a short time, as long as I steer far clear of any "you must" thoughts.

So that's a big part of it, right there.

Another aspect of this mechanism is perhaps an intolerance of drudgery. I was going to say "boredom," but that's not really accurate. I'm perfectly content watching grass grow for hours and hours... It's a zoning out "activity" that has no stated purpose and no obligation attached; so no concentration is required.

It's not easy digging around in this stuff, and trying to truly get to the bottom of it.

Getting back to the title of this post-- this "drifting away" often happens because I am not "Present" enough in my own situation (of that moment) to stop and think through what I am about to do, when I want to skip away. It "just happens." When I DO manage to stay present in my own process of the moment, I have far fewer issues with losing my place and zoning out. I "think before I act," rather than "act before thinking." And usually-- even though it requires a kind of "concentration"-- I manage to talk myself into just staying with what I am doing.

I feel that an active "mindfulness practice" is definitely (or CAN be) an important part of managing ADD.

The Issue of ADD and Taking On Too Much

I've previously talked about this thing I call "Too Many Interests Syndrome."

It seems like it might not be as "bad" if only I was able to take all those interests, hold the trains of thought, and then carry out the ideas to their natural conclusions. In fact-- in some fantasy world-- I think that would make me a marvelous, interesting and stunning human being with lots of interests.

Alas... not how it works. Having "too many interests" seems to do little more than set up a breeding ground for eternal sidetracking.

This morning, I was looking at my pile of loose "to-do notes" and trying to sort them. And the thing is... I have eight "categories" of things I feel like I would like to get done, today. I don't merely have "40 things" on my overall list, all clustered around one common theme (which is what I imagine neurotypical people do)... oh no, I have odd bits and pieces clustered around eight different "themes."

So even if I were a "focused" person, I'd still be "wandering all over the place" in order to keep up with what I find interesting... even if there were NO sidetracks involved. And just looking at the eight piles gives rise to a little anxiety, because I am acutely aware that I will be "wasting" time, trying to get my brain to switch from one "group" to another... it's that "losing my place" thing, again.

Anyway, it all makes me ponder whether "too many interests" is the common theme among those living with ADD/ADHD. In other words... we don't even start with "simple" minds; we start with something already complex (and potentially cluttered) and then derive ADD from there.

The irony is that there is actually a certain "compulsiveness" involved here... almost like I am a "hoarder" of ideas and concepts. I say "irony" because I actually love simplicity. There are few things I like more than having a day where there is "nothing to do." Unlike many, that would not make me all antsy and bored. And that's perhaps one of the "weirdnesses" of my life that made me question whether it was even ADD that was affecting me. After all... I once went and spent two weeks at my aunt's summerhouse in Denmark-- where there (literally!) was "nothing to do" but sit in a lawn chair and read. And with all the distractions of life absent? That's precisely what I did... and quite happily.

It may sound completely implausible (and like a lie) but I am actually a BIG fan of "voluntary simplicity" and it's one of my aspirations in life. I'm just failing miserably at it...

What's the point?

Sometimes it feels like I actually create the "distractions" in order to scatter myself all over the place to "pursue" them. It's almost like a "cart before the horse" issue-- I'm ADD because I take on too much. The issue isn't "ADD" but "taking on too much."

There's probably no scientific validity to this line of thinking.... but just putting it out there.

ADD... and the Ebbs and Flows of Productivity

I am not really sure whether it's a "good" or "bad" thing that I have chosen to be in business for myself and to work from home.

What I do know about myself is that my productivity ebbs and flows quite a bit. It's either "feast or famine," with very little in between. As I have "watched myself" over the years, I've also become more and more aware of what influences my productivity.

Clearly-- at least in my world-- suffering from "Too Many Interests Syndrome" is part and parcel of living with ADD. During what I call my "macro periods" of productivity, I am very aware of being able to "keep up with my brain" (or at least coming very close) and being able to turn the endless thoughts into something... "output," if you will. I may not be able to deal with everything "as I think of it," but using my system of "writing notes" about every idea that comes up... and then leaving it at that... I am able to function a bit like a cook in a busy kitchen. Each new idea-- on a slip of paper-- is "order up," and I am able to keep a "sequence" of work going... and get caught up sometimes.

These days don't mean I don't have "too much on my plate," they just mean that I don't "get lost" because I am too scattered.

On any given day-- or week, or month-- my ability to keep up seems inversely proportional to the amount of "pressure" (usually of a financial/practical nature) I feel like I am under. Some people really thrive when they are in a "pressure cooker" situation with their life... I'm really not one of them.

OK... not entirely true.

If I have a massive deadline on ONE thing to do, I work super well "to a deadline." That's different from the pressure of being overwhelmed by a large quantity of things to do.

As an example, I got a huge block of "eBay stuff" taken care of by the close of business on Sunday... meaning we'll have a substantial inflow of cash from those sales by next Sunday... that takes pressure off, and this week feels like I am being very "productive." Instead of just sitting there, feeling overwhelmed by the sheer size of my pile of "to do notes," I am actually feeling like I am going to get through it.

And I am saying that, even as I am well aware that I have "paused" several times to add new "order up" slips to this week's work load.

For me, part of effectively managing my life has a lot to do with making the most of my "macro creative periods" WHEN they are happening.