Finding Your Passion... when you can't Stay Focused

I suppose it's part of human nature to want to work with something you feel passionate about.

There are lots of different definitions as to what it "means" to be passionate about something... many of which seem to revolve around some version of being "almost obsessed" with what you're doing, and it "never feels like work."

Maybe part of the "problem" here is that people experience "passion" in different ways... and our society has a narrower definition of what passionate is supposed to "look like."

So what's my point? When you tend to "zone out" and "drift off" as I do... it's difficult for others to accept that I am actually "passionate" about what I am doing. Even so, people see my difficulties with staying focused end engaged in what I am doing and then spout "helpful advice" and platitudes like "You just have to find your passion! Someday something will come along and you'll just know it and want to do nothing else!"

To be honest... I feel that way about my writing. And I feel that way about my collectibles business. And I feel that way about helping people. And I feel that way about my beach combing gig. You can go see the "My ADD-ish Work" page for details.

But I'm not focused (aka "passionate") about just one single thing.

What also needs to be pointed out-- which is a product of the "slow cognition" and "low energy nature" of many with inattentive ADD-- is that I am perfectly "capable" of "zoning out" and "going to sleep" on even the things in life I am most passionate about. That doesn't mean I am not passionate about them! I just means I can't hold a fucking train of thought for three minutes!

Sorry, I slipped out of the "G" rating there, for a moment...

Perhaps the real issue here is that people put too much emphasis on appearances. Being passionate about something is supposed to "look" a certain way; to manifest outwardly, in a certain way. But a true passion isn't really about what "others" see... but about what YOU feel. And when you have trouble staying focused for any length of time... you can be as passionate as all get-out, and still not have the near compulsive looking drive non-ADD people manifest outwardly.

And in response-- as a bit of a postscript, really-- to those who think I need to "find a passion," I'd like to pass along the observation (based on 50 years of life) that even if the most interesting thing on the planet is passing before my face, the possibility still exists that I'll go "oh shiny" about something else... or simply "zone out" to another place. That just seems to be part of "the nature of the beast."

ADD Issues: Getting Defensive about Organization

Sometimes I get a little defensive about my "need" to be very organized.

On occasion, I've even been told that my "systems" border on the OCD-ish. I'll be the first to admit that I probably spend more time "organizing" than the average person. But do I really need to "lighten up" and "stop keeping all those lists" and "just let things unfold... you know, like NORMAL people do?"

To be honest, I get a little defensive, when I hear things like that.

For one, I followed the strategy of "normal people" for years and years... and found my life to be an eternal state of chaos in which things that "needed to be done" never got done and "unimportant things" would get done. It really didn't serve me very well.

About the same time I started using the expression "my train of thought has left the station... but I am still standing here on the platform," I came to the conclusion that the only way for me to be at least marginally functional in life would be to always "write it down" as soon as "it" occurred to me. Back then, I always carried a dayplanner around, and I bought extra "blank paper" pages for my endless lists of "stuff."

Truth be know, I did get more functionally effective at dealing with life. It no longer mattered whether or no my train of thought had "left" because I always "took a picture" of it, before it could leave me.

And people in the business world got very impressed with my ability to "remember" birthdays, anniversaries and other stuff... and that served me well.

The point, here, is that I don't know how to be "functional" in life, if I don't keep notes and lists of everything... because I can't remember what i was thinking, three minutes after I thought it. Sure, I have tried "brain training" programs and software, but it hasn't really "helped" me... not in an "effective" sense, anyway. Even though I test in the 95th percentile in terms of cognitive skills/abilities, it doesn't really help me, in a practical sense. I can focus on a little "cognition test" for a minute, score better than 99% of the population... but then what? I move on. Doing the "brain exercises" hasn't even helped me stay "awake."

So... I NEED my "organizational systems."

If you want to call them a "crutch," I'll accept that. I'm not good with the OCD-ish thing, though. I'm not "obsessed," I'm just trying to function, in life. And I'm using whatever tools I can, to help me do that...

Inattentive ADD and Meditation-- Parallels

I have been told that many people have a "difficult time" with meditation. They find it difficult not only to sit still, but to "still the mind."

I was introduced to meditation (in the "formal" sense of the word) in the mid-1990s, as part of an enneagram and spiritual non-duality group I belonged to.

For me, the experience was never one of having "issues." Going into a meditative state seemed completely natural to me... sometimes to the point that it seemed like there wasn't any "going into" involved in the process.

I could sit still and "empty my mind" for hours and hours, without any provocation.

I never gave this much thought until the first time someone suggested that I might have ADD. As I have written before, for most of my life I never considered the possibility that ADD was an issue... because I was only familiar with the condition in the context of "distraction and manic/hyperactivity," as I'd experienced it with my ex. Sure, I had a hard time focusing... but (a) I could never relate to "bouncing off the walls" because I've always been a "low energy person" and (b) I rarely had significant issues with a "brain full of swirling thoughts"-- instead, I was just "going to sleep."

Narcolepsy was a consideration... except I didn't go to physical sleep.

But getting back to meditation... for me, it's almost a "natural state." My issue was never about how to "go into" meditation... rather it was about how to not go into meditation. My entire life has sometimes felt like a "meditative state" that I have had a difficult time "coming OUT of."

As I gain more understanding of inattentive ADD, I can see why meditation was always so easy for me... in many ways, it's "equivalent" to a meditative state...

Cleaning my Desk so I can Do my Work

It is a new month.

So often, I find myself immobilized by the fact that I don't know where to start on the eternal "pile of things" that follows me around... and so, instead of actually starting on something, I "zone out" by deciding that I "can't DO anything" until I have cleaned my desk.

Where to begin has always been an issue for me. It was an issue when I was a kid and had homework in five classes, it's an issue now that I'm an adult with multiple irons in the fire.

I was seldom overwhelmed by the actual work needed to be done for my five classes... I was overwhelmed by figuring out my order of operations.

The irony of that is that I am a really excellent organizer. If you need me to figure out your event using CPM or something else, so you can get everything done on time, and in order... I can do it. Of course, planning your event is a "theory." Figuring out how to get started on my own stuff is the reality involving where the proverbial rubber meets the road.

Much of the time-- when I feel stuck-- I "busy myself" with reorganizing all the "notes to myself" about what I need to get done in the next week, month, year.

It's difficult to simply choose one note, and start work... because what if I missed something more important, that should have been done first?

A lot of needless "wheel spinning" results.

It was my birthday, a couple of days ago. My lovely wife gave me a framed picture of her (she was out of town for the actual day), and I decided I wanted to keep it on my desk...

... which necessitated cleaning off my desk...

... which reminded me that I needed to file a bunch of stuff...

... which reminded me that I had been meaning to design a better "filing system" for certain parts of work...

... which reminded me I needed to move some "other files" from my office to combine with the "better filing system...

... which inspired me to "do it properly" rather than just toss it all in a box "for later."

All I was trying to do was put my wife's picture on my desk. Seven hours later, the photo was on my desk where I wanted it... and I had started a new filing system for my web work (which is great, btw!), a new (better) way to organize my writing ideas, a new (better!) way to keep track of "ongoing projects" for a couple of my web businesses, and my desk actually was a better work space.

However, I didn't get any actual work done.

It made me pause and ponder... and I realized just how much of my life has been spent "getting ready to work" rather than "actually working." I'm sure I have lost untold thousands of hours in that distractionary space.

For years and years, I attributed this simply to "bad time management" and "being a slacker," but the more I learn, the more it seems like a significant part can be traced to how my brain works... and how it seems so incapable of holding onto a thought. "Slackers" typically slack because they want to... for me, there's not that much of a "wanting to" element... I'd much rather be "engaged" in things, but it always feels like I am paddling upstream against a very swift current.

Trying to Understand my Fluctuating Brain Chemistry

All of us who live with ADD or ADHD have a pretty good understanding of the fact that ""distraction" is the bane of our existence.

I've been trying to learn-- mostly through reading lots of web sites and blogs-- about the brain chemistry issue. I don't know if I have gotten any smarter... but I've certainly "taken on" a lot of new information.

The thing that baffles me a bit is the way my tendency to "space out" varies so much in intensity, from day to day. For example, this morning I woke up and got started on my day with a great sense of "focus." And I was able to just "get into it" and get a whole bunch of stuff accomplished... by 10:00am... without feeling any significant compulsion to "go to sleep."

Now, the tasks were no different from any other day. I went to bed at my usual time; I slept about the same number of hours as usual. I had my morning coffee, as usual. So why does it seem "easy" to focus today, but on another day it will feel like pulling teeth.

I recognize that we all have our body cycles to contend with. Society focuses heavily on "women's cycles" but I'm pretty sure men go through monthly cycles, as well. Is that what I experience, when I can focus one day, and not the next... "natural" fluctuations in my body rhythms? Or is there something else? "Environmentally" speaking, it was gray and rainy this morning... does that have an influence?

Beats me. It seems that the more I learn about this "condition" the less I really understand it. The upside is that I have much better awareness of my "self" and what my body and mind is "doing" at any given time.

I guess I'll just keep learning...

ADD and the Struggle with eBay Listings

I derive a large part of my living from selling things on eBay.

Of course, in order to sell things on eBay, you have to list things on eBay... and that has always been one of my greatest struggles.

Yesterday, I was faced with needing to add a bunch of new listings for items that had actually been sitting around my office-- all photographed and ready to go-- for a long time. 66 items, to be precise. But I had been putting it off, for several weeks... even though there were "bills banging on my door."

I sell sea glass on eBay, to jewelers, artists and collectors

Just the mere thought of needing to focus and concentrate long enough to write and upload 66 eBay descriptions is enough to make my head explode. I can give myself 47,000 "motivational pep talks" but it still doesn't do me any good.

The process is interesting. Getting started is not terribly hard, especially when I set aside the contiguous block of time needed... in this case, "most of a day."

I get my energizing techno playing, and get started. I choose not to update my eBay helping application because I know from experience that the software is archaic and will ask for a system restart, which means shutting the 47 windows and applications I have running, which means having to bookmark and save them all, which means a minefield of distractions... and normally about 90 minutes wasted to install changes so inconsequential I can't even tell what's different.

Saying "no" to the update actually represents "progress" in my life with ADD. I'm willing to shove my perfectionistic tendencies into the background. Yay!

I get about ten lots into the process and am doing OK when "the tingling" first starts. It feels like I am wearing invisible headphones-- the big kind that fits over your ears-- except they are a bit like a vise clamping on my temples. I can feel my forehead tightening, as well. My focus is starting to go. I force myself to work to the end of the hour, before "giving myself permission" to check my email. Again, the value of clocks and timers is huge... somehow, having a visible finite horizon in front of me helps my ability to concentrate.

On the hour, I manage to only sidetrack for ten minutes to scan my inbox and delete messages of no great value.

On the whole, I manage to plod through pretty well, "promising myself" that I can have a break every time I get another ten lots listed.

And then I almost hit what I call "the 95% wall." That has been one of the banes of my existence-- both in childhood and as an adult. What is it? Well... I get to a point-- when doing a "large task"-- where I realize that I am "almost finished." And some part of me "sees the end in sight" and I relax slightly... and suddenly any forward movement feels like I am trying to swim through honey. All I want to do is GET UP and go do something else. From a psychological standpoint, motivating myself to do those last few things to truly finish the job can feel more daunting than the preceding 95%.

Somebody once suggested that I have a "fear of success." Meh... not so much. People who "fear success" usually still have anxiety once they are done with something. I'm just releived (and happy!) when I am done. And therein lies a paradox... certain personality types simply prefer "open ended" over "finished" tasks. I am not one of them, although I often behave like I am one of them.

The thing that's interesting to me... and where I realize "it's all about ADD"... is the literal physical sensations that go with hitting that "95% wall." I reach this point... and it really only seems to come when "the end is in sight"... where it literally feels like "my head will explode" if I have to concentrate for one more minute.

And the eBay listings? I did get them done. It took me ten hours instead of eight... given various sidetracks. But on the whole... a pretty successful day.

I'm NOT a Kid!

Many moons ago, I spent quite a lot of time researching "giftedness."

At the time, I was trying to get a better grip on my sensitivity, and someone had told me that there was actual research showing that the more "gifted" an individual is, the more both introverted and sensitive they tend to be. I put quite a lot of effort into learning about giftedness-- and the studies done by Polish psychologist and physician Kazimierz Dabrowski-- as part of trying to get a grip on my "issues."

Needless to say, I also got involved with the global "G/T Community" (G/T = "Gifted and Talented") as part of my learning process.

One of the things that was interesting to me... a strange "G/T Community Bias," if you will... is that there was aaaallll this talk, and information, and support, and research, and conversation, and programs for gifted and talented kids. It was just one endless parade of stuff relating to kids, kids, kids, kids, kids.

Any time I started taking about trying to understand the ins and out of adult giftedness-- and the attendant challenges and life complications-- it felt a bit like speaking into a void. Once in a while, someone would make a very peripheral reference to "gifted adults" but it was pretty uncommon.

What I found ironic about this was that a majority of these parents totally absorbed in understanding gifted kids were actually gifted, themselves. And were having all sorts of issues trying to deal with their own lives... but were categorically either in denial about their giftedness, or steadfastly refused to look at it... saying things like "Oh no, that's not really important..."

Whereas I totally honor their dedication to supporting gifted kids, there was an unfortunate (and rarely discussed) dynamic there... in the sense that these "gifted kids" would receive all sorts of support, encouragement, programs and special treatment... and then they would turn 18, and suddenly "be on their own" because they were no longer kids. AS IF, you turn 18, and suddenly all the issues inherent in being "gifted" are magically switched off and you are suddenly a "normal" human being?

Sooo.... what does this have to do with this ADD blog?

Well, the more I peruse information about ADD/ADHD around the web, the more I seem to run into a similar "kid bias" in the ADD/ADHD "community," albeit not as pronounced as it was in the G/T community, some 15-20 years ago.

I can hear people say "Yeah, but it's important that we HELP kids with ADD/ADHD!"

I agree! Absolutely, 100%! And I'm not trying to be a grumpy old man, here...

But it's also important that we keep in perspective that ADD/ADHD does not magically "go away" just because you become an adult. What's more, if you keep in mind that kids are 0-18 years of age, and adults are 19-100 years of age... there are going to be a lot more adults with ADD/ADHD than there are kids!

So why am I ranting about this?

Well, I'm an adult, and I am an adult with the "inattentive" variant of ADD. Not ADHD. There's no "H" in my universe. And I'm telling you what... it is tough to get many Google search hits that aren't (a) about kids and (b) about inattentive ADD. Of course, it's tough search, because the first forty million results have to do with "adding" something... not the case with ADHD.

So if you read this-- and know more than me-- please leave a comment and suggest places on the web that have good information about Adult Inattentive ADD. Thank you!